doubleknot’s ruminations

What’s new, let’s see…

Got my hair cut tonight, which was good because I was starting to get rather shaggy.  Bought a couple new things to wear also, a sweater, and some of those boy shorts and tank tops for bed.  Cute!

Been following this thread on Fet where this girl is blaming her fucked-upedness on her Mormon upbringing, sayin’ she was brainwashed into being this little Stepford baby-making machine.  I say anyone who blames anyone or anything for their crazies is never going to get better.  All the prozac in the world ain’t gonna help.  You have to take personal responsibility for where you are at this very moment.  You choose how to behave and yes, how to feel.  It is an active choice, not something put upon you over which you have no control.  Gimme a break!

Spent a couple days with Master and that always reminds me of who I am.  I don’t know why I think somehow it will all change.  I think I worry about that sometimes, that I will wake up one day and cease to be his slave, even though I would never voice such thoughts to him.  Instead, I ask if we can just drop the whole slave thing, after which he either just smiles and ignores me, or simply says no.

The thing is, most times my slavery is subtle.  You would probably never know I was a slave if you saw us together.  I don’t have to kneel in his presence or walk a pace behind him or things like that.  And I don’t wear an obtrusive collar, just a simple silver neck chain.  I probably dress more conservatively than anything, a simple skirt and blouse for him mostly.  When we walk down a street together, he either holds my hand, or wraps an arm possessively around my lower back.  Sometimes he grabs my hair at a bar when he kisses me, or sometimes he just grabs my hair to embarrass me and to assert his ownership.  But mostly, we just seem normal.

We had dinner last night at this local family restaurant in this small town way south of us and then went back to our hotel where Master began working on his laptop.  We’d had a very early start that morning, I was up at 4:30, so after doing the Sunday crossword, I stripped down into my little black boy shorts and lacy stretchy black tank top, slipped into the lush bed and promptly began dozing off.

When Master finished working, he too stripped down to his underwear and climbed into bed with me.  I was startled from near sleep by his hand clenching my hair and his mouth attacking me with fierce, possessive kisses.  I swear, he was actually growling.  I felt drugged as his kissing turned to biting and he began pinching and pulling my nipples.  Soon he was on top of me and I could hardly breathe as he continued his onslaught to my boobs, nipples and mouth.  He began slapping my tits and in a moment he flipped off of me and tugged my head over to his crotch, forcing his cock down my throat.  I slobbered and gagged as he growled some more and tugged my head and me up and mounted me onto his cock.  I rode him hard until he came, all sweaty and spent.

It was almost like a drugged rape scene, and though I was not struggling, it felt like an attack.  Had I been half awake I am sure I would’ve fought him because that is my natural response to an attack.  Anyway, it affirmed the simple fact that I am his property, and if he wants to interrupt my near-slumber to have his way with me, there’s no stopping him.  And that’s hot.

In the car earlier that day I told Master that sometimes I don’t feel owned, because everything seems so comfortable and, well, normal.  He said that all the changes in me since he came into my life would not have happened without his ownership.  He is right.  (He is right 99.9% of the time too).  I cannot do anything I please.  I am accountable to him for everything.  He owns my ass, and that’s what I see in his big black eyes every time he looks at me for more than a moment.  I have to look away, I can’t help it.  He’s too intense.  I am his, and he is sometimes a very intense Owner.

He keeps a pretty tight leash on me.  I’ve been told what I can eat for Thanksgiving.  I get a little dispensation on the diet that day: one plate of anything I want, and a modest helping of one dessert.  *bounces!*  That’s something I look forward to!

So, it’s a wrap.  We’re normal.  Just like you. 

(Well, kinda-sorta.)

Technorati Tags: time with Master, ownership, slavery, discipline, sex

It has been awhile since I’ve sat down and thought about my slavery.  I know many of you tire of reading about that kind of thing here, but I still enjoy thinking about it, because my relationship is by no means “normal”.  Just thinking about yesterday, arriving at the hotel and taking every single one of our bags from the car and carrying them all myself while Master walked on ahead to the reservation desk.  It was very amusing.

Guess what?  I’m almost skinny.  It’s very cool.  I’m into size 10 jeans.  Two years ago I was in size 18.  I tell Master all the time how happy and exciting this is for me, for I never could have done this on my own.  I also worry that I will gain it all back, but Master said he isn’t going to let that happen.

It’s weird too.  I know if it were just me on my own little diet plan, I would allow myself lots of indulgences because after all, if all you do is deprive yourself of everything, after awhile you are going to binge; Right?  Well, no.  While I have not asked Master permission for any indulgences yet, I have passed by Reese’s peanut butter cups, cake, donuts, cookies, and all sorts of desserts, bread, pasta, sugar, cereal and on and on, I have not had the desire to binge.  I sometimes wish I could have one of those things, but the few times I’ve snitched a ‘taste’ of something, it has just tasted very sweet.  Like on my daughter’s birthday.  I had to taste the home-made chocolate frosting we made.  Had to.  It was alright.  Not great, but alright.  I guess I don’t really miss those things too much.

Last night Master and I were walking in town and went by a pizza place.  We had not yet eaten, and boy did pizza and beer sound good!  My mouth was watering just smelling it.  We headed further down to this cafe type place and ended up with tuna sushi and this awesome salad with chicken.  It was uber satisfying and the little bit of rice (encasing the tuna) was a nice splurge.  So were the drinks we had.

Okay, so maybe it's not so hidden!

In fact, it was an amazing night.  God, I love walking around town with him.  I love laughing and relaxing and getting dressed up all sexy for him too.  He made me remove my panties in the restroom of this club, come back out and hand them to him.  He put them on the little cocktail table for everyone to see.  Thank god the lights were dim.  But it’s hot and sexy as hell to do that stuff.  I admit I get turned on doing stuff like that.  He hiked my skirt up showing off the lacy edge of my black thigh highs.  I simply adore being sexy for him.  I love, love, love it!  I was so happy that the rotgut Master bought for me went down like silk after the first two sips and an olive.

But, back on earth, my paper is finished for this week.  I started looking up references for the next one.  School is moving right along, well into the second week of my second class.  I have to work all weekend including tomorrow, so I will be very busy as I work 12 hour shifts.  But it’s all good.  Keeping me busy is the trick Master learned to keep me focused on positive things, which keeps my spirits from sagging.  But god, he is the best medicine.  I leak just looking at him.

(Well I do!)

So, I get to buy new clothes, which is awesome.  I don’t get to indulge on forbidden foods, I guess, unless I ask permission and I haven’t done that yet.  I will be needing permission soon though, for Thanksgiving.  Anyone want my Halloween candy leftovers?  It’s about time to bring that shit to work.  Like Master said, lol.

Dinner is cooking and smells fantastic.  I’m being creative.  I put chicken breasts in a pan on top of the stove with a package of onion soup mix sprinkled on them and two cups of water.  It’s simmering.  I have broccoli in another pot; my kids love that.  Not sure, but I might make a sauce out of that soup with a little corn starch.  Mmmm.

That’s about it for now.  I get to travel with Master next week, yay!  I love being close enough to touch him.  Him touching me?  Even better!

Technorati Tags: Time with Master, slavery, thriving

So, it’s Halloween and it’s colder than a witch’s titty out there.  We’ve had about five trick-or-treaters so far.  More candy for…  um… anyone but me. 

Technorati Tags: random thoughts, slavery, boredom, missing Master

Got my ass paddled and belt-whipped for weighing myself on Tuesday.  That’s only allowed on Mondays.  I mentioned it casually during dinner yesterday, and as a result sort of ruined the light, enjoyable mood at the time.  Master said he was disappointed.  He mentioned we’ve been together almost three years and that he thought the bond was stronger than that. 

Technorati Tags: punishment, discipline, degradation, thriving, love

Just off the phone with the mother-in-law.  Can you spell G-U-I-L-T?  Oh. My. God.

The trouble is, her son never let on when we were having problems, opting instead to always paint a rosy picture of health, wealth, and marital bliss.  It’s no wonder the news of her beloved son and  d-i-l splitting was just too much for her to handle. 

The f-i-l I expect is angry.  He has two moods:  Irish happy and Irish angry. (and you don’t even want to see him drunk and Irish angry.)  I suspect I won’t be talking to him any time soon.  Which is fine with me, because the last time he was at my house he was both Irish drunk and Irish rampaging.  Oy.  What an ass.

Alright so…  It only took me three months to finally talk to them; well,, to her.  She doesn’t like it; can’t understand it; didn’t see it coming; is glad we didn’t file yet.  I don’t even think the soon-to-be ex saw it coming; go figure.  He can throw lawn furniture around, but doesn’t see how that might lead to big problems.

Well…  I am not feeling so hot today.  Got a period, cramps, the whole nine yards.  I haven’t had one of those in at least two months.  I couldn’t sleep so was up at 6 this morning.  I have a couple days off work and my new class starts tomorrow.  There should be homework posted by tonight.  In fact, I already got a jump on some of it, cuz some of it’s posted already. 

Master and I are getting together again soon.  Yesterday he sent a message that he was feeling very “ownerish”.  I wonder what that means for me?  Although, he said he feels ownerish a lot, so…

It doesn’t much matter because things will happen the way he wants no matter what I think or worry about. 

This weekend I was feeling just a wee bit lonely in general.  Kind of isolated I guess.  I haven’t had much time for going out and having fun lately.

That’s about it for now.  It’s raining.  On my day off.  AGAIN.  The weather obviously doesn’t know it’s my day off. 

Life is just totally getting in the way of my kink lately.

The good news is, I finished my paper and turned it in.  I am officially finished with my first class!!!  The bad news is, my new class starts Tuesday and we have a paper to write the first week.  Oh well.  I guess when you attend online school you write a ton of papers.

Master and I had lunch yesterday, which was very nice.  The restaurant bar was empty.  In fact, the whole place was pretty empty.  I hope that place doesn’t go out of business; it’s a really nice place.

We shared a bowl of tortilla soup and some nice salad.  And then Master took liberties with me in a very well-lit public place.  I was… I had the distinct urge to stop him because I am afraid of authority figures.  I was sure they would see his hand under my skirt fingering me and kick us out.

He kissed me with his fingers wound tightly into my hair.  I can barely breathe when he does that.  Being in public only magnified the feeling.  In this case, Master was the highest authority for no one kicked us out.  They basically looked the other way and even wished us a cheery farewell as we left to climb into the back of his car.

Master got a blowjob, I got his pants wet, and great time was had by all.

Other than that, not much is happening.  Except the rain.  It’s been raining the entire two days I’ve had off.  Poo.

Well, my house is full of all kinds of Halloween spooky.  Someone came by the other day and said, “”You must really like Halloween!”  I have the place all decked out.  In fact, I have to confess, it’s not enough.  I didn’t do much with the lawn.  I have a fog machine in the basement, but no cemetery to blow it into.  Hmmm.

Work has been incredibly stressful.  Just very, very sick patients and doctors who don’t know what’s wrong with them.  Makes for a lot of stressed out people, including their nurse!  Whew, am I ever glad to have a couple of days off.  I get to stay home and do…. schoolwork.

From one stressed-out situation to another.  Oy.  School is challenging me.  And it’s been a long time since I’ve felt really challenged.  And this is just the introductory course.  I wanna quit!  But Master won’t let me.   And I know it’s only two weeks in, but after I write this paper, The class is over!  Two credit-hour class, done in three weeks.  They move pretty darn fast.  The next one starts on Tuesday, for three credit-hours, and that class is five weeks.  I’m gonna have an aneurysm I tell ya.  I am.  (hear that Master??!)

I’ve all but abandoned the fun internet stuff.  I don’t have time.  (*insert pathetic face accompanied by sniffle here*)

The good news is, Master’s coming to my house tomorrow.  I’m very, very glad.  I miss him terribly.  The other good news is, the diet is going very well.  It’s not easy, but it’s successful at least.  I miss sweets.  And, there is this one patient’s son who brings the nurses donuts EVERY SINGLE FRIKKIN’ DAY AND I HAVEN’T HAD A ONE!!!!!!!  (*insert equally pathetic face here*)

But well, I’m a good girl that way.  Ain’t I Master?

Alright, so, I had asked Master a little while ago if I could wear my leather collar to bed at night along with the leather cuffs, and he graciously agreed.  But, I’ve got the plague from it, I swear.  My neck is breaking out in back in this itchy, red, raised rash.  It’s like some sort of contact dermatitis from the collar.  I don’t know what’s up with that.  I stopped wearing it for awhile per Master’s orders until it cleared up.  Started wearing it again, and I’ll be darned if that damn rash came back again!   (*insert pathetic little whimper and sniffle and face here*)

So, I dunno.  I guess I have to stop wearing it again and go from there.  There are some little metal brads holding the D ring in place that maybe I’m reacting to.  I react with itching when I wear certain earrings, but usually it’s only the right ear that gets itchy.

I’m just a weirdo.

(Even though school’s stressing me out, I have an A going so far!  But I’m positively beside myself with worry half the time because I … I dunno.  Because I’m a dork.  And I wish I hadn’t started in the first place because I’m too old for this pace!)

And that’s basically the story of my life lately.  I come online and go straight to my school web site.  Oh, and I work.  And I cook for me and the kids.

Oh!  But I did buy some really pretty things for my bathroom.  With pretty pink roses!  A new shower curtain and two fuzzy pink rugs that feel really cozy on my bare feet in the morning.  It’s cheery and GIRLY in here now.  (*insert smiley here!*)

That’s about it I guess.  I don’t have anything particularly slavey to talk about because all I’ve been lately is a work/school slave.

Except that, Master gives the very best kisses.  Damn, can that man make my knees weak with a possessive kiss!  (*insert breathlessness here*)

Well, I miss you guys.  And I feel sorry for me.  Because I have so little time for frivolity and whatnot lately.  (*insert a hand about to smack me here and… I get the message!!!*)

I’m done now.  I have to go to bed.  My eyes feel rough and scratchy and sandpaperish.

Well, they do.

Technorati Tags: stressing, thriving, silly, missing Master

I didn’t forget about ya, I promise!  Just been busy with school and work!

*Smooches*

I’ll write something good soon, I promise!!

So, Master got me drunk last night and then took advantage of me.  Only, it was more like trying to make out with someone in a coma.  *hehe*  Poor Master.  I cannot handle my liquor.  At all.

I’m traveling with him this week, which is muy cool.  We had a super day yesterday.  Before the drunken stupor.  And hell, even during.  Boy, that man knows his way around female anatomy.  And I was pretty helpless too.  Screaming, but with no real fight in me.  Must be easier in a lotta ways taking advantage of the near-comatose.  That is, when he wasn’t holding my head over the toilet.  Oy.  I remember saying at one point, “Master, this is so unattractive.”  *Heh*

So, that’s all for now.  Having fun!  Wish you were here!

(Okay, not really.  But, you know!  The sentiment is there!)

Whee, I had a bad morning.  Well, truthfully, it started last night.

I’m new to this separation thing, and the hubby said last week he missed my cooking and asked if he could come for dinner sometime for “one of your great meals”.  I was making beef stew yesterday, and I thought about him.  I figured, no need to be the ice princess here, and the kids would enjoy seeing their dad, so I bit the bullet and invited him for dinner.

And it was nice.  Sort of.  He and the kids were very happy, but I felt oddly detached, not wishing to give the impression that everything between us was ‘back to normal’.  It was just a nice gesture on my part.  Aside from that…

The young woman who used to live with us, and who I thought of as one of my closest friends, well… we had a huge falling out recently.  Ever since she moved out really.  She went from being like a sister/daughter to me to being a casual acquaintance.  We hardly spoke, seldom (I’m talking like four times in a year) got together, shared very little, and communicated even less.  It was heart breaking to me after she left.  I was distraught.  This is going on two years now.

Finally I told her I was just through.  I could not take the change in our relationship from sister-like closeness to barely connecting anymore.  I was done.  It hurt too much to have her, what, half-way in my life?  A third-way?  An eighth?  It was just too difficult.  I took her into our home, provided love, room, board and a car for barely anything and after she gets what she wants, she moves an hour away and practically forgets about me.  I was just too hurt.  (Did I mention we had sort of a power exchange relationship?  We did.  It was age play, and I was her Mum.)

So anyway, she calls my husband and asks him and the kids over for dinner.  Before realizing that she and I have not yet patched things up, he accepted.  He told me about it, assuming I was also invited, but when he found out it was just going to be them, he backed out of the date.  Now she has called and invited him again.  (Did I mention she got married to a chick a couple of months ago?  That’s why she moved out.  To be with this chick)

Last night felt like the whole thing just erupted again.  Like a pimple.  After the husband left, I was feeling, well, bad.  I wished for one that I hadn’t had him over.  It was very uncomfortable.  He says things that make me worry that he and the kids are going to gang up on me, the home wrecker.  “Everything was just fine before mom went psycho and kicked dad out!”

For another, when he told our son that she “really, really” wanted him to be able to come to dinner too, I just lost it.  I vented a lot of my angry feelings about her in front of my husband and kids.  I did not malign her, but spoke openly and expressed my feelings.  I am not proud of harboring this anger, but the hurt is so great and deep that I cannot bring myself to even dwell in that place where I have to think about her just yet.  I cannot.

This morning when I woke up, it was dark, rainy, cold, and yucky out.  I woke before the alarm, and five minutes or so before it was time to get up, I crawled out of bed to the floor to do my twenty-minute devotion.  Only I could not stop thinking about her.  She totally dominated my thoughts.  And the only one who should do that during devotion time is Master.  I was upset.  I started to cry.

So I did what any normal woman does under these circumstances.  I went back into bed, pulled the covers up, and tuned her out as best I could.  Only that is not what I am supposed to do in the morning.  I am allowed half an hour in bed online time, and then it’s time to hit the shower.  I couldn’t.  I wallowed.  I moped.  I languished because it was dark.  And cold.  And raining.  And I just knew she was going to make problems for me.  She was going to spill everything about me and Master.  I was paralyzed and numb from the inside out.  And deep down, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew too that I was being disobedient.

I texted Master and told him I was upset and still in bed.  His reply?  “Get out of bed immediately.  Shower & dress NOW.”  I knew he would say this, and what’s more, I needed him to say it.  I did as I was told, went into the shower, and cried.

After that, I texted Master again, who immediately came online and simply said, “Your cam.”  (It is another unstated rule that I am always to turn my camera on for him.)  He reminded me that his will comes before mine, and this morning I seemed to have forgotten that.  I was disciplined for this and made to do homework while he watched and worked.  (And no breakfast either)

He basically micro-managed me all morning.  Around eleven-thirty, I was allowed to eat brunch.  I had fruit and coffee.  Around noon, he went for lunch and sent me off to get out of the house, stretch and take a break.  It was forty-five degrees and raining, so I wasn’t too keen about going out, but figured heck, if I take an umbrella and dress warm enough, I could still manage a walk.

The walk was very empowering.  I had an epiphany. When I let the things that others do upset me that much, I am in a sense, giving my power over to them. I realized that I don’t have to let  my friend and my husband have that kind of control over me.  That is Master’s sole privilege.  I fully consent to that.  I do not consent to anyone else taking his place.

I am in the process of becoming.  Realizing my potential.  Under Master’s skillful ownership.

And I am so very grateful.

Technorati Tags: Master’s good care, thriving, discipline, obedience, control