I am tired.

Work wore me out. Note, i did not have coffee. i have not earned coffee. i have to be more mindful of the rules.

I did however tell someone i’m Owned. It was in the burger king parking lot. A couple of employees were standing out there talking. It was NOT the mentally challenged guy this time. So, while i had been planning to run through the drive through to tell someone, i didn’t have to. I rolled my window down, told one of them i was a slave, he asked me to repeat, which i did, then continued on my way and out of the parking lot headed for work. It’s always a relief when i get that done for the week.

I have this rule about telling one new person a week that i’m an Owned slave. Sometimes it’s easier to do than other times. This week wasn’t too difficult. And i’m always dreading it, and i’m always glad when it’s done for the week. I hate to drop that on people sometimes. Most of them don’t know what to say. I think it offends people sometimes. It’s like, too much info. But, i do as i’m told. Mostly.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my rules and i can’t figure out why this is. I don’t deliberately try to ignore them. I don’t even subconsciously ignore them. I think i block out sometimes exactly what is on the agenda, rationalizing that i’m really tired today and my rest is paramount. Some days i just get this crashing fatigue. And other days i am highly productive. I think it’s the days when i just feel so tired, that i seem to come up short with regards to the rules. I may not exercise because i can’t even get dressed. I want to stay in jammies all day. I can still putter around the house that way. Or it’s too hot to walk the next day.

I am not happy with myself. I don’t know why these rules are so hard for me to maintain. I wish i felt it was life or death or something if i didn’t keep all the rules. I wish it was impossible to entertain the thought of not keeping the rules each day. I wish i didn’t have a choice, and really, supposedly, i don’t. But i still do.

On that website, Slave Register, Tanos, the Owner of the site talks about Internal Enslavement. And the areas where there is resistance (in a slave’s mind) are areas the Owner doesn’t fully Own i guess. Something like that. I think he uses the word ‘possess’. He doesn’t fully possess those parts that are showing resistance. Or i suppose non-compliance; same thing. He seeks to understand his slave’s thoughts that accompany the resistance.

In my case, with this difficulty i’m having keeping the rules, i feel like i’ve come up against a wall. It’s a wall largely of my own making i suspect, and yet i don’t know how or why the wall is there. I certainly understand general fatigue. I don’t understand the rest. Why it is so easy to take the rules so casually. I don’t want to be that way. I certainly don’t want to have to be punished for being that way. And in fact, punishment is a huge deterrent to any unpleasing behaviors i may exhibit from time to time.

I do know that it takes time to form new habits and break old ones. And i think i am coming up against some very old, entrenched habits that run counter to my new guidelines. (read: rules)

I think i am getting ready to give up coffee altogether.