Master and i were chatting Sunday night. Well, to be more precise, he was doing most of the chatting, and i was giving him a little show on webcam. My husband was right there in the room too, so it was a discreet little show, with me rubbing, twisting, and pulling on my nipples through my t-shirt, making them erect enough to be seen through the thin material. It was sneaky, sly, and hot. Hubby was watching Andy Griffith and didn’t notice. Master was talking about His Ownership of me.

Evidently, i’m on a leash all the time, i just don’t know it. Well, i do know it, i just dont always feel the tug of that leash. Master wanted me to feel it last night so he spoke of his need to use me hard. Severe was the word he specifically used. And not just last night. I think he mentioned it Friday night as well. Seems i am in for something scary very soon. But i guess it will have to wait until next week, as Master is not going to be able to see me this week due to work travel. Master knows how detached his absence can make me feel. Master is kind and well, smart. He knows what i need. So when He tells me He is going to put his property to severe use soon, it causes a mental, emotional, and definitely physical reaction in me.

First off, let me get this off my chest: i am not a masochist. We had a little discussion about this very thing a couple of months ago.

M: “I wish you were at my feet shedding tears that I caused in you.”

d: “me too Master.”

M: “I wish I heard those pathetic little ‘no’s’ you try to say.”

d: “i’m saving them for you.”

M: “I wish I was hearing you try to explain to me again that you’re not a masochist

d: “i’m not.”

M: “I know. You always tell me so.”

d: “But i’m not.”

M: “I wish I could see the look on your face as it betrays you.”

d: “i don’t like pain.”

M: “I know.”

d: “It likes me.”

M: “But you like me liking your pain.”

d: “Yes…”

d: “You never call yourself a sadist”

M: “I wish I was seeing that look on your face that says you revel in me, even though you don’t like it.”

M: “That’s true, I don’t.”

M: “and it’s never the pain that I enjoy seeing in you… it’s always the surrender. the acceptance.”

d: “i’m not very good at going gracefully.”

M: “The look you have that shows how deeply you want to surrender to me
it’s sort of a, ‘here, take it all…it’s all yours anyway’ look.”

d: “Never knew i had any of those looks …”

M: “Ahh, but you do; in fact, it’s pretty much on your face right now.”

d: “i sorta feel stripped right now.”

M: *nods* “Stripped and flayed?” *smiles*

And tonight, Master called that my “squishy” look. He also said “mushy”. I look all mushy; like i could be shaped into anything He said. I am a blink of an eye from being a profound painslut…..or a sexslave….or a humiliation slave…or any other brand of slave He might choose for me to be. “Any of those would be easily accessible to me because you’re mushy; and squishy.”

Well, i have to admire His choice of verbage. Seriously He was absolutely right. When i get that way, which is perhaps the only way i ever manage to get to subspace, it’s not from the pain, it’s just from words of His like that, He could tell me to do anything and i’d do it, my lack of masochism notwithstanding. I absolutely and completely submit. I really have no other choice. I literally cannot refuse. I don’t feel my fear at that point.

And yet, there is something about hearing the word “severe” that gets me going inside. There are the usual butterflies, of course, and the familiar wetness beneath, but it is more than that.

i don’t know what it is about me that seeks pain in some form or other. Maybe it has to do with the abuse i grew up with. Maybe under a different set of circumstances growing up, i would have turned into a completely different individual. Maybe the leadership qualities i have would have become more developed. Maybe the dominant side more prominant; more pronounced. Who knows?

As it was, i learned to submit, not so willingly to my recollection. I seem to remember going down “kicking and screaming”. I had a strong little mind and will. And yet with Master, there is almost none of that. I use my mind and will to purpose myself to “go down” willingly.

And then there is that ……. masochist in me. It is in me. I admit it. Only i don’t seek out pain for pain’s sake of course, but for what it can do for me. It is very cathartic. It does get me wet for some reason which isn’t clear to me. Even watching others submit willingly gets me wet. I don’t like watching torture scenes though; i absolutely abhor them. Unjust punishment or maltreatment of others does nothing for me. Unjust punishment or maltreatment of myself…….. i don’t know. I suppose it’s disturbing as well, and it is what comprised a large part of my childhood at times.

But give me a scene wherein there is a willing, submissive participant and a lot of pain involved, and yes, it gets me going. Put me into that scene and you have one, sometimes fearful but willing slave working out a means to an end. It’s the means that i don’t necessarily like identifying myself with. Why is that? I hate pain, but i say yes to it. I fear “x” but agree and submit. I fuss, moan, cry, kick, scream, all for one reason: the end result; the outcome.

Master is a very outcome oriented individual in His work. So am i in mine. This all transfers over into our M/s relationship i feel. So no, i am not a masochist who loves pain for the sake of pain. Nor is He a sadist who loves inflicting that pain for the sake of inflicting it. But we are more excited by the process perhaps; the dance… and ultimately the end result. Master has got something out of me. I have given something to Him. And we are both thoroughly high from doing so. No matter what it took us to get there, the fact that we arrived intact is a kick. And not just intact, but more closely bonded; more deeply enslaved for my part; more deeply Owned. And for His part, in control of more and more of me. Ever deeper reaching grip on me. It’s like owning a toy, but better because that ownership grows in measure each time He takes more from me. No other toy is like that. No other object for that matter, does the ownership increase in such a way. None that i can think of at least.

And because individuals have such depth, there is an almost limitless potential for ever increasing of this give and take ritual. And that is the addiction. That is why i will never leave Master and He will never discard me i believe. As long as the dynamic never changes or halts abruptly and finally for some reason that is i suppose. And heck, if it ever did, we could still be friends, lol.

And so that is how i can say i am truly not a masochist. Though pain feeds a definite need for me. I must have pain. I must. And i am fortunate enough to have an Owner who knows the inherent value of pain, not just for the sake of “getting off”, but a value that drives much deeper. We dance our pain dance and it is what binds us ever closer. This is the joy i have to look forward to in the upcoming week. I will share with you how it all goes.

peace,
dk