Master actually told me to blog on this topic today. I was reading at No Limits slave’s site the other day where she posted her rules, and it got me to thinking about mine. I confessed to Master my dislike of rules sometimes. Told him i felt maybe i was too old to start following a list of rules about my habits and conduct at home when he isn’t there. He said i have been waiting for such a thing for all of my 46 years. Maybe. Sometimes i guess i like knowing there are rules. Sometimes i wish i could do just as i please. Sometimes i wish i had rules that aren’t even on the list, lol. But knowing i am going to be held accountable to Master (that is scary) for these rules that he gave me, well it stops me in my tracks sometimes. And sometimes i would like to hide the rules away and forget about them so there will be no accountability. Not to mention, i hate to be a bothersome slave who needs correction for falling short. Master doesn’t like to punish me. Why put him through all that?

I have a list of rules. I posted them as a page on my sidebar, which is good because i wanted a place to be able to easily refer to them. I have a tendency not to read the rules on a regular basis. I don’t want to keep a document like that too readily available on my computer in case little hands get ahold of it, so every communique between Master and me is hidden deep within some obscure program files on my laptop. It takes a lot of clicks to find anything pertaining to him.

We don’t talk about the rules. I mean, i have them, but Master doesn’t ask me about them very much. Only sometimes he’ll ask if i’m “eligible”, meaning for an orgasm that week. Have i told anyone i’m an Owned slave yet, because once i do that, i’m eligible. But he doesn’t ask things like, how are you doing on your rules? He might say, what plans do you have today? Or he used to ask how my studying was coming along. He always asks about how school is going with the kids. So i guess he does ask, just not point by point.

I guess i find this list of rules very daunting because so often i am battling a war on sleep. Working third shift is hard at best and finding rest a challenge. I have found that when i am being mindful of what is expected of me from Master vis-a-vis the rules, i do seem to come closest to perfect compliance. It’s the times when i either a) let the rules slip my mind or b) take the rules too lightly that i am likely to fall short.

Lately, sadly, it’s been both.

I do know the rules pretty well by now, and sometimes they make me balk because they are so…….. busy. It’s all about things i have to do. And when i’m tired, i want to just wish them all away sometimes. I’d rather have a nap than clean my house; or go for that walk. My mind is too tired to study, but not too tired to veg out in front of tv.

This upsets me greatly. I literally cry because i am too tired at times to follow the schedule, even though it’s loose, it doesn’t allow for leaving anything undone. There is always something around here that needs cleaning, or doing, or tending to. I live in a big house and i work four days (nights) a week and you know how it is when you’ve got kids and a job and a house to care for. It is a lot of work. I think i keep on top of the cleaning most of the time. But, and this is the thing that frustrates the hell out of me, i know i do not have too many days where i feel i am following ALL of the rules. That’s hard. i mean, my house is not 100% well-kept every single day. I do not always fix dinner for my family. There simply are not enough hours in the day some days to find time for any ’significant accomplishment’. It seems like just working and taking care of the kids’ needs and this house are plenty of significant accomplishment. That list of rules makes me want to give up sometimes.

Master said one time that they are designed to be slightly out of my reach in order to keep me always striving. But i am feeling so defeated lately. Master wants to know if i am doing what is needed to obey his rules. I am not sure what that means. The only thing i am not doing that i will be able to do now is read them more often. Now that i’ve set them into this web page they are readily available for my frequent review, and keeping mindful of the rules is probably at least a third to one half the battle.

One thing i will say Master, is that i have been abusing the online rule and as a result the rest of the productive-type rules have been suffering. I know you know i ‘ve been abusing the online rule. I did delete my chat program a couple days ago so that will no longer be a distraction. The rest of the time i spend online is mainly reading, writing, research, and some finance. The reading is largely recreational, but also has been helping keep me focused on being a slave. My thoughts on overspending the time online go something like this: if i wasn’t online, i would just be vegging out watching tv or something instead, and this is more interactive and stimulating than television. It’s only when i have stuff to do that i know i have to do that gets neglected that it is a real problem as far as i can tell.

So what’s getting neglected? The exercise. I haven’t been walking or exercising in awhile. The house, to a small degree. Maybe even sleep. I sometimes prefer to goof off than sleep. Or goof off online when i should be sleeping Since sleep is a precious commodity around here, i need to take advantage of it when it’s available, ie, when the house is quiet!

But the thing is, a lot of times i seek to come online in order to feel closer to you. I hope i will see you, that you will pop online. I am afraid if i am off walking, or cleaning, or whatever, then i will miss you when you do come on. I know if we lived together this wouldn’t be a problem. I do get so lonely for you Master, and it leaves me wanting more of you and wanting to be where i know to find you; on my computer. Sometimes i text you when i’m away from my laptop and hope you will answer. Sometimes you do, and that helps tremendously. But when i get back to the laptop, and find i missed you, i feel so deflated. I think that is why i have been hanging out on here so much more than i should be lately. I’ve just been needing to connect with you. You’re busy and your time online is rather unpredictable, and i know you don’t want me wasting time here, but what’s a lonely needy slave to do? Anyways, that’s a big part of it.

So yes, part of it i can improve on, and the other part i need help with. I vow to be more mindful of the rules Master. I promise to do better with exercise. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want punishment but that is for you to decide. I do think i keep up pretty well with household tasks, as you know how much of a homemaker i am. I rarely miss devotion, and it’s with good reason when i do. I think i’ve missed it two or three times since you gave it to me and only once was pure neglect. I rarely break the coffee rule. I always tell someone each week i am Owned and i never cheat on orgasms. I rarely miss wearing the ankle cuffs to bed unless there is a good reason for it, ie, being detected putting them on. There aren’t any rules about moodiness or respect or obedience but you know i have those fairly controlled, save for the very worst cases of pms.

my dearest Master, i hope this blog entry is what you were asking for. I hope it helps you, informs you, and i hope you can help me to find a way to be even more compliant because my deepest desire is to always be a pleasing and joyful property for You to Own.