One thing i’ve noticed since being owned by Master is that i am not the emotional basketcase i once was. The main reason is that emotional tactics don’t work with Master.

Well, i was not an emotional basketcase. At least not every day. I did however, seem to be held captive to my moods. And i didn’t always seem to have the strength of character to rise above said moods sometimes.

Perhaps my moods were a feeble type of power for me. I’ve often felt powerless in my life. The use of an angry mood can command power. A dark mood can be used as well, more insidiously. I believe i understood the power of dark and angry moods to shift the course of actions of those around me to do my bidding. But people don’t like being manipulated. It was not a very healthy way of managing my day to day affairs.

I still feel things very intensely. In short, i still have my moods. I just don’t necessarily use them anymore. I suffer quietly through some of them. I exude them in my blog. I treat them to chocolates. And i lavish the good ones on Master. I have come to terms with the fact that i am, yet again, a powerless creature. As far as using noxious moods for my power trip, that’s become a thing of the past. A mood is not really a weapon of choice because of all the backlash. Moods are best left settled down to a nice level of temperence before engaging in any type of meaningful interaction with loved ones; with those most important to you. At least the toxic moods, that is.

The trouble sometimes, is that intense feelings lead to intense moods. And intense moods, or, moodiness can get a slave into really big trouble. I would like to know how to prevent this. Outside of a gag, i have a hard time keeping to myself during these times. Even if i’m not babbling about whatever it is, i am thinking it, and it simmers in my head begging for release. That’s one of the main reasons for this blog. To be able to spill the feelings in a non-threatening, safe forum. Safe from retribution. Safe from hurt feelings. Safe from consequences.

And yet being a public blog, perhaps that’s an unrealistic expectation. Master reads my blog. He will know what i am feeling. He doesn’t allow me privacy of feelings that i know of. He speaks often of transparency. I tell him it doesn’t seem fair. If i am feeling something un-lovely, (read that as: unpleasant) why on earth would he want to know? Especially if it might be directed at him. These things happen to slaves. Being in a position of powerlessness such as we are, such as we have consented to, some pretty strong feelings are going to erupt in us some time or other. Feelings involving wanting to command something or other to seemingly make things better for us. Or so we think.

I guess this is why Master wants me to befriend some sister slaves in order to have someone to talk to. To share experiences with. To compare notes, so to speak. And as big as the Chicago area is, it’s not so easy to find sister slaves. Especially since it’s not something about myself i particularly care to advertise. And so i will stay here in my little corner of my little blog and work out whatever issues i am dealing with on paper so to speak, until every last ounce of raw, potentially toxic emotion is drained leaving me safely innocuous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What i am feeling today is intense longing. Longing for things i fully expect never to have. Not things, but situations. Today i am consumed by this it seems.

I have been through this before. And i expect to go through it again. And again. So it is when both you and your Master are married to others. You wish for something that can never be. And yet, i hate to say or think never.. For never is a very long time. I hope for a lot of things in this life [of mine?] which is pretty much half over at my age. More than half. I just get so frustrated with myself that i cannot make what i want happen.

I chose. I made the choice to give up control. To give up my life. Why did i do that? Sometimes i think about this and it drives me almost crazy. Why would i give up the control over my own life? Why?? How is this a good thing? I must have a screw loose. A grown, mature, capable, successful woman like me, throwing away everything on some guy i’ve known less than a year. What sort of brain defect allows such a person to do such a seemingly reckless thing?

What indeed.