Anyone peering in on my life from afar (save a few slave types) would say i am crazy. Certifiably so. Yet, that knowledge rarely even gives me pause. I know i am far from mainstream. I have determined to stay true to who i am since i moved out of my parents’ house and took over my own life. I have chosen the road less traveled before.  I know about living counter-current, and i embrace it. It gives me a sense of pride doing something others only wish they had the guts to do.

Being true to oneself is sometimes a lonely choice. But it’s the only choice. Too many years i have struggled suppressing my submission in my marriage to a decidedly submissive man. When i realized the impact that living out my submissive side can have, i knew i would never compromise this side of myself again. If that means only having a part time Dominant partner then so be it. It is expressly better than not having Him in my life at all. I refuse to settle for nothing. And since i am in no position to divorce at this time in my life, this is the way it will have to be. That is, until my Owner dictates to me otherwise.

And while it assuredly seems a part time relationship, i am certainly Owned 24/7 in my mind. I would not make any decisions for myself without consulting Him. Every action i take is with Him on my mind. Everywhere i go i think of my Owner and being Owned. My collar is an ever-present reminder. My rules are designed, i believe, specifically to keep each moment of my waking life focused on Master. Master is smart. He knew what he was doing with those rules. By incorporating very mundane things such as household chores, hardly a moment goes by wherein i am not consumed with thoughts of my Owner.

I fret about missing Him. Of course i do. I fuss about our limited time together, our schedules being what they are. I fall into grey moods and wonder if i have done the right thing. These seemingly impossible circumstances to which i agreed well, sometimes i too think i must have been crazy to assume i could cope with such a lifestyle.

Yet cope with it i do, abeit not very well some days it would seem. Yet i press on. This is who i am, and no one knows the real me better than my Owner. And so i know i am indeed a fortunate creature. It took a long time to find Master. Nearly a decade of active searching. I am not about to throw that away because it isn’t precisely perfect. Who is lucky enough to have the perfect life? No one that i know of. Even those who seem to have it just storybook perfect have skeletons. Everyone has their own brand of trials, even, and maybe especially those for whom it may appear vastly otherwise at first blush.

So, let the emotions rage on. If there were no strong emotions i might question the depth of my relationship to my Master. The strength of the emotions is very telling. And it’s all good. I am not in charge. I will wait. Master is steering our lives together and i trust him to captain our ship to safe waters one day. I believe in him. I know i can rest as he would want. I’ll feel. I will even feel strongly sometimes. But those feelings are so significant. They speak of attachment. A very good and very solid attachment. It’s a healthy attachment. What Master has worked hard to produce in his slave. If i tried to fight the emotions, well, i just won’t. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way. I welcome all of the feelings this relationship washes onto my shore. Let them wash over me and bathe me in my slavery. I adore it.