My life is somewhat complicated. I live in the midst of two different worlds. Two different realities. There is the reality of my real life: married, two kids, a job, a house, pseudo-stability. I have some independence in this life. I still make most of the decisions i encounter there for myself. I follow Master’s rules and guidelines for me, but he does not micro-manage me here. I am on my own, unsupervised directly by Master’s watchful eye. What he does not know, does not hurt me. Or so the saying usually goes. What he knows of this life is what i tell him. It is completely filtered by me, since he is not physically present to judge for himself. He can only trust that i am honest and truthful about my activities.

And then there is my life as my Master’s slave. In this world i am completely subordinate and act according to Master’s wishes and demands. I have no choices and no autonomy. In this world i am utterly and completely focused on serving Master. My mind is free of the normal distractions of my other life. I become a different being where my submission transforms me and frequently i lose my ability to speak coherently. And i wouldn’t want it any other way.

Between those two realities is my buffer zone. A sort of protected divide.

Imagining shattering the divide gives me a flutter in my chest and belly. A sort of excited anticipation. What would happen? If my two realities merged, how would i feel? If i no longer had the safety net of distance, the great divide, would it change anything for me? How?

I suspect there would be a period of immediate, intense growth, and thus, growing pains. That is to be expected i would think. For no longer would there be any autonomy; no more independence and no more ………me. What i would become would be that which Master truly desires. In order for that to happen, once the great divide was taken down, i would have to relinquish all control to him. There would be no bargaining. It would be a world ordered by Master, not me, wherein i am his servant. His hand would rule and i would diminish. The controlling me. The take-charge me. The orchestrating me, all would necessarily diminish and fade into Master’s world. In short, it would be somewhat of a shock to my system.

One very good thing to my advantage is the fact that mentally i already belong completely to Master. I have no problem switching from my world to His the instant he comes through the door. I suspect, removal of the buffer zone would mean permanantly feeling my role; my place; as His slave; as His. The buffer merely exists because Master hasn’t decreed it away yet. But once gone, my role would be no different mentally. I always serve. When i am home chopping vegetables for dinner i do it in devotional service to my Master. Working in a busy hospital I have the same intent: make Master proud. For i am representative of my Master’s ownership in every way. My speech and actions all reflect on Him. I would never think of doing Him dishonor. My life is my service, whether Master is physically present or not. I want to make Him proud to own me. And he is.

And so without the buffer zone the intensity of devotional service gets turned up a notch or two or three, but i am still the same person. My integrity is in the fact that i lay myself bare at all times before Master. He knows all of my triumphs, as well as my failures. Though Master is careful to quell my theories of what comprises failure. Failure is merely not trying one’s best. As long as i am striving, i am succeeding. (my Master is wise, and i love that about Him.) Master knows of my imperfect obedience. He also knows how i continually strive to align myself to His will. He knows of my steadfast faithfulness as His. my commitment; my devotion; my candor in all things; my utter inability to deny Him anything. All this with the buffer zone still in place. Simply put, the buffer zone protects me from very little.

Master’s eyes may not physically be on me, but conscientiously they are on me always. Little can detract me from His will. Buffer zone or no, i belong to my Master. Unhesitatingly. Wholly. Fully. Utterly. Forever. And removing it would necessitate some adjustments in my habits, but not in my mind, for my mind belongs to Master. I am what he says i am. I think what he wants me to think. And if i stray, He realigns those thoughts back to Himself and His will. It’s a perfect relationship. Much better than any vanilla relationship. Roles perfectly defined and played out. Conflict resloved by Him. Yielding and bending to Master. Continually.

It’s what i signed up for Master. *smiles*