As i near a one-year anniversary with Master i am pondering a lot of things. I have been perusing old chat logs from those very first days and have discovered some interesting things.

First of all i think in some ways W/we have not changed much since the beginning. Master is the surely the same in almost all ways as he was the very first time we spoke. In fact, Master and i were reminiscing a little bit about that earlier today and he agrees that he has remained fairly consistant within himself. This is one of the key reasons i have flourished under his hand. His steadfastness and unwavering commitment to remain true to who he is has largely been my anchor and stronghold and has gotten me through many of the little storms i’ve encountered on the journey thus far. Talk about the value of his ownership! There’s a biggie right there. Thank you so much Master for being who you are. For being true to yourself at all times. For expecting no less of me from day one to day 340. What a Treasure has found me. I am truly blessed to be so well Owned.

This plays out in many ways. The expectations are still the same. He did not soften them up front in order to lure me his way. He did not soften them later on to try and keep me. He didn’t soften them after gaining my confidence and unwavering devotion in order to coddle me. Master keeps the very same standards for his slave and places them just out of my reach to keep me always striving and moving ever forward for Him. I love that. No one has ever held me to such standards. It seems i was always able to sweet talk, cajole, or butter up any supervisor to allow me a lot of latitude because of my good nature. I was your classic under-achiever, not shirking responsibility, because i had good work habits to start with, but never realizing my full potential because my output was already above average. No one, with the exception of perhaps one or two teachers from many years past has ever challenged me like Master. That is one very big reason we are such a perfect fit. I have someone who can see clearly through any smoke-screen i might dare even subconsciously to throw His way. I hesitate even saying this out here where His eyes eventually will come to find it, but no matter, because there is no hiding from Master. All eventually (sooner than later) comes unto the light of his eyes. Amazing and comforting for me. I adore Master for his ability to expose me for what i am and then turn that around to his purpose.

In that regard i am unusual perhaps? For who wants to be exposed, bare naked for her Master’s scrutiny only to be remade into something better? I for one, that’s who. That’s why i am perfectly suited to my Master. Being his means i will be exposed and the layers will be peeled away and the underneath will be tender and raw and it may bruise easily but my pain is never a worry for Master. The easy way is not my Master’s way for me either. I am learning this as we go along together. I accept Master’s path for me because as his slave it is really my only choice. I willingly allow shallowness, longing, anger, greed, manipulation, laziness, self-indulgence, weakness, strife, grief, irritability, hollowness, negativity, impatience, impulsiveness, control, and masks all to be stripped away from my core. And not just a one-time sweeping away, but ongoing house-cleaning. Master chips away at these non-productive behaviors and emotions one by one sometimes on a daily basis and will continue to do so until he is satisfied that what remains is truly beautiful for Him.

What lies underneath is more openness and honesty. There is truth. There is hope. There is tenderness of spirit. There is raw sexual energy. What a canvas for Him to paint a Masterpiece. A work of art i have faith will be rendered before long. A work that will never be finished. A thing of beauty that gains depth even as i experience new levels of brokenness.

While Master has not changed, in lowering and opening myself i have surely changed. Master always took responsibility for my successes, but most importantly for my failures. In fact, he would tell you there is no such thing as failure, only failure to try; failure to strive. There is no giving up, that which he will not indulge in his slave; not for one minute. And therefore, i do not fail. I have no alternative but to improve and grow in strength of character, in service, and in devotion. For who wouldn’t want to serve a Master who takes on the full responsibility for the success or failure of his property?

You can see why in this blog i keep saying over and over how lucky i am. I have changed, but it is not i who have done the changing by my own sheer will power. It is through Master’s gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) prodding and pushing that i have made the strides that i have. I still have a long way to go, i know that. Sometimes i don’t look forward to that growth. Sometimes even, i fear it. I fear changes. I fear pain. A lot. I don’t always like having control taken out of my hands, but it’s been that way for nearly a year. You’d think i would be used to it by now, but sometimes, well, sometimes i fight for that control; i fight within my self wanting it back. Logically this makes no sense, for i had all the control of my life up til last year and where did it get me? I was not doing so well being in charge of me. Why keep on that path? But there it is: sometimes i need to control what is going on in my life. Or so it seems.

I have mentally worked through many days with such head talk. Wanting those reigns back again, telling myself how silly such a desire is, arguing that no, i need to decide thus and so for myself this time; and back and forth until i kneel in despair and work out my pain and frustration there on my knees in devotion to the One who takes all those choices from me so skillfully, and i cry until eventually i stop fighting the unwinnable battle for control. Master never even hears of these internal struggles most days, but i still have them. To this very day i still have them. I have changed, but i struggle. I’m sure there will always be times like this. Times of incredible inner turmoil, in spite of the level of trust that’s developed thus far. I am too strong-willed to ever think otherwise, that there wouldn’t be struggle for control; even if it is unshared struggle. It is all part of my (new) life as His slave. Of any slave i suspect. Having my freedom curtailed has changed me for the better.

I am softer. Inside and out. I am calmer, mostly. When i am not fighting the path, i am happier. I need however, to learn to rest in my slavery more and more. That is a goal i have for myself during the next year. To relax and just be in the moment each and every day. No matter what the circumstances. And especially as applies to my status. For being a slave, there is no other option but to be settled in the moment. A plea can be issued, but the response must be accepted. And what better way to live as a slave than living a life of pure acceptance? As i sleep ankles cuffed together every night, that is acceptance. As i kneel in devotion to Master each and every day, that is acceptance. As i tell one new person each week i am an owned slave, that is acceptance. And especially as i wait for my Master, because this life requires that i wait in so many different ways, that is acceptance.

I think we both knew from that very first conversation what we were going to be to each other. I had a very good sense of what was going to be expected of me. Master knew exactly the sort of slave he was looking for and laid everything out on the table so to speak right away. We clicked from the very beginning. Master lead, and i followed. Mostly. *smile* And when i didn’t follow immediately, he waited until i relented and decided the best course of action was His. The only course. It still is. I learned. Sometimes the hard way, but eventually, i learned. I needed and still need that chain around my neck. Pulling, sometimes dragging me along, but always with that tension that only Master can bring. Now it is a very secure tension i feel from the chain in Master’s hand. I am happily owned. Gladly being taken wherever Master deems that we together will go.

Thank you for everything Master.