[Warning, this is a very, very long post. It's been simmering on the back burner for sometime, hence the gaps in my blogging of late. So get a cup of coffee, put your feet up and enjoy!]

Wow. Lots has been going on that would be of interest here. i just haven’t been able to process it well enough to extract anything coherent.

i think, in fairness to you, my regular readers, i am going to just skip trying to go for a well-organized piece and just write and see where my head takes me. This may be a bit meandering and scattered, we’ll see. But i have been struggling a lot lately in my slavery.

To a large degree, i have withheld a lot of the immediate struggles from Master. i know i jotted a piece last week about feeling somewhat confined and limited in my choices with my life in the piece called Guardrails. What i was finding restricting was …… god, so many things.

i will provide a bit of background for those of you who are new to my blog.

First of all, i am in a troubled, very long-standing marriage with a habitual drinker-pot-smoker. He is a nice guy. Ask anybody. But just try to live with him.

Mostly, if i don’t ask or require anything of him, he is okay. But after 25 years of shouldering the burdens and responsibilities of a family of four, including one child with disabilities, the weight of such a load at times feels crushing.

i know, i know, there are likely many divorced women doing just that all on their own. And i probably wouldn’t mind it as much if i were on my own. Then at least i wouldn’t have to deal with the mental frustrations of living with a man whose only sense of responsibility lies in maintaining his job. Thank god he at least does that. Outside of work, his involvement in the day-to-day operation of this family is quite limited.

When i was young and fell in love with my husband, we were seniors in high school. He was really cute, and he was nice to me. i found life at home almost intolerable at times due to a very domineering, overbearing mother with pyschological problems that went unchecked by my father or her physicians or anyone really. Perhaps they were addressed, but most likely my mother was non-compliant with any recommended treatment. Mental illness runs in my family. Needless to say, finding a handsome, kind boyfriend lured me into a fantasy of happiness-ever-after with him as my husband and me as his dutiful, doting wife.

And that’s what i was. My goal as a marriage partner was to make his life easier, happier, and as fulfilled and sweet as possible. i tell you, i could have been considered a professional wife and mother or something. i did it all. Worked, took care of the kids, loved to cook anything and everything, stellar housekeeper, hostess-extraordinaire, and fantastic lover to boot. My husband had it made.

Only his happiness was, at best fleeting. He seemed to whine continually about what was lacking in his life. He would have happy periods, but more often he was restless and always seeking greater fulfillment. Kind of like i feel lately. My thought back then was always, what can i do to make things better? To make him happier? To fix for him so he will be content like me?

Trouble was, the more i tried, number one, the less it seemed to help him, and two, the more despondent i became. He (as well as his entire family) was into drinking. But he was a functional alcoholic. He rarely missed work. He never got arrested.

My brothers were into drugs. They turned us onto drugs as well. Perfect answer to what is ailing you, take happy drugs. We experimented with a lot of drugs together in the early years of our marriage before the kids came along. But mostly, pot was the favored one. i liked pot for awhile, but eventually noticed a huge downside; that of depression following its use.

Soon, i kicked the habit, and went on anti-depressants instead. i urged hubby to do the same, noting that the crux of his addiction seemed to be related to his underlying depression. But he did not see himself as self-medicating with pot and alcohol, and his use and abuse continued and still does to this day.

Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic and/or drug-user, functional or otherwise, knows the difficulties i have been dealing with all these years. After a time, the sex became almost non-existent. There wasn’t much substance to our relationship other than a long history together and two really great kids. So….. loneliness led me to seek another, more mature adult for companionship and, well, sex.

That’s the background, pretty much. His kids love him. He saves all his verbal bashing for me to periodically absorb and cast off, and forgive. He is a nice guy. Ask anybody. They don’t have to live with him though.

So on to my slavery.

My Owner directs my life. Pretty much all of it. Not micro-manages, just keeps tight control over the sort of person i am becoming. His expectations include i will excel in every area: professionally, as a mother, as his slave, as a friend, as a daughter, etc. i am expected to, well, shine. And since becoming His Owned property, indeed i have. In every single area of my life, there has been, dare i say marked improvement. i got certified in my chosen field. i have been given and am succeeding in more authoritative roles on my job. i have been setting and achieving goals with both of my kids, aiding their future success. They too, have been thriving since Master took over my life. My relationship with my dad has flourished, and i am expanding my circle of friends. Master is encouraging, and sometimes even orchestrating all of this for me.

But the restlessness i feel in my marriage is at times, literally suffocating. i would sit in my basement, thinking, i just want to leave. i want to clear out all this old stuff, pack my daughter’s and my bags and get us the hell out of here. i cannot take one more day under this roof, with this man, who is literally sucking the life blood right out of me. He has been taking so much of my care and energy for so long that i feel totally drained. It bears down on me and i realize, finally, that there is no fixing this man, or this marriage. What am i still doing here?

Well, Master knows about all of this. And Master won’t make me stay here forever. He just never told me the plan. He keeps me focused on getting the kids’ futures sorted out. So that they will have stability. The kids are the most important thing. And He is absolutely right there, no question. And so i wait. But, damn, it’s hard. And sometimes i just want to be able to decide for myself, okay, it’s time. It’s time to say goodbye to this phase of your life and move on to better, healthier horizons. To a place where the walls no longer feel like they’re closing in on me.

Now, i guess the reason i haven’t been writing so much here has to do with the “Master filter” i have created. Let me explain.

Master and i were talking the other day and i mentioned to him the fact that i have not written much here lately.

slavepet: Master,

Master: yes?

slavepet: the blog is getting pretty lean

Master: I’ve noticed that

slavepet: want to know why?

Master: why?

slavepet: because every thought in my head seems to be going through the “Master’s filter”

slavepet: and ….

Master: speak

slavepet: and ..

slavepet: sort of washes out the other side

Master: *nods*

Master: you are very focused these days on what is incomplete in your enslavement

Master: and wondering if it will be completed

slavepet: that stuff comes and goes

slavepet: i feel insecure

Master: what stays?

slavepet: what stays is my ownership

slavepet: or yours rather..

Master: I guess I have to say I’m a little surprised

Master: that doesn’t happen often

Master: I mean, that I am surprised

slavepet: don’t add your disappointment or i will be effectively crushed

Master: no…

Master: I tend to assume that your level of security equates precisely to my level of satisfaction with you

Master: and since that is high, I assume you must feel secure

slavepet: i try to be low maintenance;

slavepet i do..

Master: I know you do

Master: and you are…

Master: …semi-low maintenance

slavepet: hence, the latest Master filter through which all of my thoughts and feelings have been siphoned lately

Master: by that do you mean you hesitate to speak your mind in ways you think I don’t want to hear?…

Master: or that my influence shapes your thoughts before they become fully-formed?

slavepet: in ways i know will be reworked into Masterisms

slavepet: not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Master: *nods*

slavepet: if you could read my mind you would be so disappointed

Master: do you think you have such power over me? *smiles*

Master such power to disappoint?

slavepet: not when you put it that way Master

Master: *nods*

slavepet: and i don’t want power over you anyways

slavepet: it’s not like that

Master: do you think I think you spend all day in rapturous adoration of your enslavement to me?…

Master: that I don’t know your head is filled also with a million mundane thoughts…

Master: how silly it is to be owned by that man…

Master: and how dubious it all feels

slavepet: it’s that you maybe don’t realize how much struggle i put into it

slavepet: and come off appearing so gracefully submissive with ease lol

slavepet: what you said? sometimes, sure i feel that

Master: *nods* right…

Master: and how your very intellect tells you this is nuts

Master: a stupid bet, on a stupid game

Master: all that

slavepet: anyways, it does not matter one bit

Master: it matters a lot

Master it matters the most

Master: did you know I have thoughts kinda sorta like that, too?

slavepet: no

Master: sometimes

slavepet: i think the cost is greater for me

slavepet: at least that’s the way i see it

slavepet: it’s a gamble

slavepet: what are my odds?

slavepet: i ask myself

Master: a good question

slavepet: i assume time is my enemy

Master: well, the future is a funny thing

Master: I still say that this is all rooted in one simple question:

Master: will I ever end both our marriages?

slavepet: seems highly unlikely

Master: I don’t know

Master: by which I mean, literally, I don’t know

Master: I neither promise nor predict

slavepet: you never have

Master: I will think about all this a bit tonight

slavepet: yes Master

slavepet: lol i wasn’t even really thinking about all this today until you brought it up

Master: evil me

slavepet: no matter what you decide i’m never leaving you

Master: *smiles*

Master: somehow, that is both touching and unnecessary

slavepet: and restlessness isn’t insecurity

slavepet: come to think of it

slavepet: i’m not in any way insecure

slavepet: i am restless

Master: who first said insecure?

Master: me?

slavepet: i think it was me

Master: *laughs*

Master: okay

Master: just checking

slavepet: but that gives the wrong impression

Master: I get your meaning

Master: I will say…

Master: that you being restless makes WAYYYYY more sense to me than you being insecure

slavepet: you don’t give me much room for insecurity

Master: good

Master: I’m glad that comes through to you

[edited…]

Master: *kiss*… bye my restless and perhaps but not necessarily insecure slave

slavepet: lol

slavepet: bye my Owner

slavepet: *kiss*

This conversation brought out a lot of repressed feelings. Feelings i knew Master was aware of, but that had gone through the “Master filter” so as not to be troublesome. But it seemed there was no holding them back at this point, and going over our chat later on that night prompted this:

[comments left in an offline message to Master:]

slavepet: i wrote you an email

slavepet: now that it’s sent, i wish i could go back and edit it.

slavepet: oh well

slavepet: things that were or have been on my mind in the past

slavepet: things that came bubbling up to the surface; feelings i try to push far away because they are too scary

slavepet: and i don’t know where they will take me

[in the email, i at first deny, and later on admit that Master was accurate in his ‘reading between the lines’ with me, as he so often is.]

Dear Master,

From our chat today, you brought up the notion that i have been focusing on what is missing from my enslavement.

That may be a false assumption on your part. From mine, where my head has been at has not necessarily been on that which is missing from my enslavement, but on the enslavement as it currently exists, with all the limitations therein.

For example, if i wanted to pack my bags and pack [daughter’s] bags and take off away from this house and begin the process of divorce, i am not free to do so. At least in my mind i am not allowed. Because that would be a decision i’d rather expect you to make at least with me if not for me. I struggled with that a lot this weekend. My focus has been rather downward rather than outward. More on the here and now, as it is, rather than the future and what will be.

My here and now has been rather ragged lately. The family life stuff. The [hub] stuff. The [child one] stuff. And the [child two] stuff. It’s a lot of balls it seems i am juggling and trying to keep them all in the air and for the most part, succeeding, but still waiting for one of them to drop, and then the rest to follow.

I know you support me with the kids. Thank god that you do. But still, it feels like a lot of it is mine to execute. And with very good reason. Because it is. And it is with fear and trepidation i take these steps for my kids’ future. So….. There is that.

The [hub] stuff comes in waves. In wave-like spurts. You have no doubt noticed this by now. This weekend was yet another wave, the bad followed by the good. The promises to do better. The honeymoon phase we are now in. He came home tonight. Tonight is (party) night. So.

That is what i meant by saying it feels like i have restraints on me. i have a plan to follow, and that is your plan. And i am doing my best to follow it. I believed you when you said you might tell me to dissolve my marriage. I fully expect that one day you might. I also expect that you might say that before it’s time to dissolve your own. When you see that it would be in my best and my kids’ best interest to do so. As my owner, i expect this from you. And i wait. Because i don’t use the best judgment. i make snap-judgments and snap-decisions oftentimes without thinking through the consequences. That’s one very good reason for me to have an Owner in my opinion.

And i do want to reiterate that it is more restlessness than actual insecurity. However, you did bring up the future.

Not knowing my future makes me unsure and nervous. Maybe that is what i meant by insecure. i like to know where i am going. That’s something i just don’t know. You don’t know either. i worry that i will always have gaps in my …. what is it…. fulfillment? i’m not sure the word i’m looking for…

i worry that i will have big, empty, lonely spaces that will never be filled. i have some of that now. That is what being yours requires sometimes. If i weren’t yours, the gaps would be huge chasms. i realize this. But the notion of life with these lonely gaps is not very heartening. i want, i think i should have fulfillment. This makes me feel restless. Not knowing. Not having control.

Feeling i gave up too much to be yours.

i’m not sure what else to say from there. That pretty much sums it up.

[edited..]

To comment on this:

”slavepet: no matter what you decide i’m never leaving you
Master: *smiles*
Master: somehow, that is both touching and unnecessary.”

Why is this unnecessary? Because you will never let me go? What if the day finally comes that i can’t take being without you 24/7 for one more minute? What if i finally decide that the pain of being with you part time is greater than not having you at all? Will my vow be unnecessary then as well? Or will you hold me to it? Or will it not matter what my will is, because you will trump that? These are the thoughts that keep me up some nights. i wonder how much of my will will be lost to yours over time. That is the goal, isn’t it? You think you can pull that off? i know you truly believe so.

What about what i believe? i really don’t know. And that thought keeps me up some nights as well.

that’s all for now. please reply.

Your slave

What followed was a conversation later that night with Master about this email, including some new directives for me. He is really a very wise man, because at a point in time when i was feeling most restricted and restless about it, what does he do? (See Guardrails post)

He tightens the reins even more.

Master: simple facts:

Master: you’re mine

Master: I’m glad you’re mine

Master: I take care of what is mine

slavepet: and it’s not silly?

Master: no

Master: it’s rewarding and fulfilling

Master: even if it doesn’t fulfill everything

Then he questioned me about my feelings sleeping fairly restrained while he’d been out of town. Ordinarily i sleep with ankle and wrist cuffs, with my ankles linked together. But in addition, i was to wear the leather collar and a heavy-gauge chain fastened around my waist for three nights.

Master: tell me about sleeping with the chain around your waist this weekend

slavepet: mostly i liked it

slavepet: sometimes though, i didn’t

Master: go on

slavepet: i guess it’s like this:

slavepet: when you are away and i don’t see or talk to you as much i feel …. you know, far from you? not as connected, whatever

slavepet: so i get to feeling sort of independent from you in a way

slavepet: like when i’m at work

Master: *nods*

slavepet: but that chain turned it all around

slavepet: all the restraints…

slavepet: i still dislike the ankle ones sometimes

slavepet: they’re restrictive

slavepet: and remind me

Master: *nods*

slavepet: i’m not on my own

slavepet: anymore

slavepet: so,

slavepet: a blessing

slavepet: and a curse lol

Master: *nods* good

slavepet: so to speak

Master: blessing or curse, certainly a reality

slavepet: yes Sir

slavepet: when i was missing you one night, i looped the end of the chain through the ring on my collar

slavepet: and just held onto the end like that

Master: *smiles*

slavepet that’s not too silly is it?

Master: not at all…

Master then began to discuss the first new directive for me. Cultivate friendships. i fretted a bit over this taking precious time away from seeing Him. He said that time spent on friendships does not subtract equal time from Him. After fretting a bit more, i realized there was no room for arguing: what will be, will be.

Then Master issued a second new directive. That of dressing for him even out of his presence. The skirts and well-fitting tops and thigh high hose that he likes. This is something i know many slaves abide by. Dressing as their Master wishes all the time. But it’s new for me. And i am not typically a “skirt” person going about my day-to-day life. i don’t have to wear them all the time, however, just when i am going out shopping, or out with friends and whatnot. But not around the house every single day. And he wants me to continue buying “Master-approved” clothing to add to my wardrobe. My suspicion is that eventually the Master-approved clothing is going to replace most of my current wardrobe. i think at this point i said to Master, “can i go to the woods and scream now?” To which he replied, “Screams are permitted.”

A bit later, during our conversation, i confessed to Master that i felt like i let him down. i was embarrassed by bits of the email. Master said, “This isn’t you letting me down. This is the ‘check engine’ light coming on the slave dashboard.” i told him i was especially embarrassed by the last part of the email: the last big paragraph. This conversation ensued:

Master: do you know what an asymptote is?

slavepet: i know what asymptomatic means lol

Master: *laughs* well, that’s good

Master: not relevant, but good

slavepet: lolol

slavepet: no

slavepet: i don’t

Master: an asymptote is a math function that approaches a limit, but never gets there…

Master: like if you divide a mass in half… and do it again… and again and again… infinitely… it will never have zero mass

Master: well…

Master: that’s what your last big paragraph is like

Master: it is “unnecessary” because yes, I won’t let you go…

Master: and yes, because I will not let you reach that limit

Master: and yes, because I am able to pull it off

slavepet: knew you’d say that lol

Master: *smiles*

Master: *laughs even*

slavepet: “i know you truly believe so”

Master: *nods*

Master: why would I ever let you go?

slavepet: i don’t know why would you?

slavepet: what if i pushed

Master: I have no reason that answers that

slavepet: what if i begged?

slavepet: what if i wanted it?

Master: pushed and begged?… wanted it?… do you think I would yield over that?

slavepet: c’mon Master! i’m tryin’ here

Master: *lol*

slavepet: i think

slavepet: i’m toast

slavepet : lol

Master: *smiles*

Master: well…

Master: to follow that analogy…

Master: toast is tastier than plain bread, right?

slavepet: lol

Master: there is only way I will ever release you

Master: only one

slavepet: what’s that

Master: if my ownership is fundamentally damaging to your well-being

Master: which I find hard to envision

slavepet: well that’s what i was kind of driving at i suppose

slavepet: if it were causing me too much pain

slavepet: though,

slavepet: you’re a sadist, so,

slavepet: lol

Master: no…

Master: that’s very different than being fundamentally damaging

Master: and not just “sadist-wise”

slavepet: i see

Master: I don’t believe in avoiding pain

slavepet: i know that; boy do i know

Master: I believe in cultivating value

Master: worth… strength

slavepet: nods

Master: it is if I see you becoming less capable, less effective in life, less of a parent, less of a nurse, less of a person

Master: what I see instead is you becoming more capable, more effective in life, more of a parent, more of a nurse, more of a person

Master: that has been your trajectory with me

Master: and it will be your continuing trajectory

Master: because I won’t stand for anything less

Master: ergo…

Master: I will not let you go

Master: QED

slavepet: another analogy lost.. What’s QED again??

Master : it’s a tie to the asymptote… another math reference

slavepet: oh

slavepet: no wonder

Master: quid erat demonstrandum

Master: “thus, it is demonstrated”

Master: used to mark the conclusion of a math proof

slavepet: that just totally sucks up all my options

Master: good

Master: music to my Owner-y ears

slavepet: i feel tightly bound

slavepet: i mean really tight

Master: *nods*

Master: that is a fair statement

slavepet: you have a lot to own you know

Master: I know

slavepet: you do well with me

slavepet: congratulations

slavepet: no one can contain me

Master: *smiles*

slavepet: no one “could”

Master: well, no longer ‘no one’

Master: right

That night i had to sleep with both my ankles and wrists linked together, collar and waist chain on.

i felt totally owned. i stopped fretting about the future. i knew i was in good hands, Master’s hands. i also realized, fully, that even my pain wasn’t going to set me free. No, that was not an option. Master would make me forge through any pain and still insist i strive for personal success because that is his will for my life. i would not gain my release even if i begged and pleaded and wanted out. Even if my struggles caused me to suddenly change my mind, thinking i had made a huge mistake in agreeing to be his owned property. There was pretty much no taking it back. And this settled me, again.

i don’t know how many slaves have ever wished for their release. And i can’t say i was even wishing for mine, but i certainly tiptoed around the idea this past few weeks, at least tentatively, even though i never outright voiced it to Master. He knew of my discontent. He sensed it. He drew it out of me. And he dealt with it, because that’s what a good Owner does.

There is a lot of pain that accompanies growth in this lifestyle. i suppose i wish there could be growth without pain, but that does not often seem to be the case. Rather the opposite: the more growth, the more pain accompanies it.

i am so grateful i have such a wise Owner. i am proud and thankful to be able to share some of his eloquence and wisdom here with you as he has so graciously permitted. My hope is that, perhaps, through my struggles and the sharing of our verbal exchanges, you might find help and support as you make your way on the journey of being Owned.

~dk~