i am a slave who belongs to my Master. i was taken as his property a year ago February. Shortly after that, i received a list of rules. That list has grown over time and resides on the sidebar of this blog per His instructions. i know them all by heart and mostly live them as second nature.

However, if you read through them, you will find a couple or more that i find quite challenging to comply with religiously. Rules like numbers three and four in particular. Even rules numbers eight and nine. And number ten, the sleep rule, well, i struggle with waking up so early on a day off.

So, i have these rules. They are meant to benefit me and my life, and therefore, benefit Master by increasing my value i suppose, by making me a better person. And i totally understand and get this. These are good rules for me. He really has not changed them much at all since the first draft, excepting for my change of shift at work necessitating a change in sleep times and such. He has gradually added items here and there in conversations we’ve had that i’ve added to the end of the list, but the original list i believe had only eleven rules. Actually, fewer; i remember asking for the exercise rule, knowing i needed one.

Now, unlike many subs or slaves who have such a list of rules, my Master does not require me to update him regularly on my compliance with His rules for me. Nor does he question me routinely himself. He has, on occasion. But for the most part, i have been totally on the honor system, i guess, and it just doesn’t come up.

For my part, in the beginning, it used to bother me greatly when i would slack off on my rules. I would mention to Master a rule or two, or even three i had been struggling with. His answer was always something to the effect that, His rules for me are like a goal purposely set just out of my reach. Something to always be striving for, and i should recommit myself to trying my very best to follow all of my Master’s rules. And this was good, i feel.

However, some time ago, i reached a point where i was no longer striving as much to reach all of the goals on a consistent basis. And i didn’t want to bother Master about it, because i knew he would say that i should just keep trying and that would be the end of it. i fell under the impression that the rules were not really that important to Master. Even though i know that is not true, it seemed He was not all about micro-managing me, and trying to consistently enforce a bunch of rules that are very challenging to me a lot of the time. And the last thing i wanted to do was to cause Master a lot of trouble. So i just stopped mentioning my struggles.

Only Master figured it out.

i have been struggling a LOT with the online rule. Mainly because my goal was to see Master whenever he happened to pop online. And what better way to catch him doing that, than to be online a LOT looking for him? But that backfired on me. Because i was wasting large portions of my day doing so. And it was distressing to me, and making me despondent and sad and frustrated, and it all came out in several emails to Master this past weekend. And what is the first thing he tells me?

Master: this morning, I want you to re-read my rules for you

slavepet: Master, i know them by heart

Master: *nods*

Master: this morning, I want you to re-read my rules for you

Master: and email me with any areas you are not 100% up to speed

slavepet: ugh

slavepet: yes Sir

Master: your email need not contain excessive “ugh’s” *smiles*

slavepet: yes Sir

my rules? He wants me to be following the rules? But what about missing him? What about the fact that i hardly get to see him at all some days, and the next day i really really need to see him and he is only online on a hit-or-miss kind of basis? How do i get to see him then?

i told him that this type of relationship was creating a sort of needy dependence on him that was making it difficult to be away from him and that was at times keeping me from living my life. That was not an easy realization to come by either.

We have not yet talked about the email i sent, nor my rules. He did reiterate that i am not to be lounging about at the computer all day today waiting to see him. Which is my wish. Because i know he is in the office all day and i do not have to be at work.

i hate needy dependence. i find myself falling into that and right away, i want to seek my independence. But where is the happy medium?

i suppose that lies in obedience.

It’s just hard, that’s all.

The struggle rages on.

(i think i’m going to have to re-title my blog soon. “Doubleknot’s Struggles”.)