fear, pride, and pictures
Posted by: doubleknot on: June 10, 2008
I wanted to touch base on this whole fear thing. (And thank you Master, for letting me post pictures.)
Yes. I do fear my Master, but not in an unhealthy way. If it were unhealthy or bad for me, I would not keep going back.
I cannot say that I don’t fear him. I do. I especially fear the unknown. Part of me fears the known even, because I know Master loves to play hard with me, and I really dislike some of what he enjoys doing; the marks that he enjoys placing on my body. I love spankings and any marks on my bottom. It’s just the more sensitive areas I don’t like messed with; like my tits or my pussy. And hearing those chains come out of the suitcase; knowing he is going to try and immobilize me to keep me from warding off the attack I know is coming then yes, that puts a great big fear in me.
I allow the chains and cuffs to be placed. Of course I do. I am his slave. He can do whatever he wants with me. I let him chain my ankles to my wrists to my collar behind my back in a hog-tie position. My gut lurches, my skin gets cool and damp, my mouth goes dry. I struggle to breathe and think, “oh-oh. Here it comes. Get ready.” And Master places me on my back, grabs the evil mini-blind wand, and begins.
Last week, which I posted about here, he marked my breasts. Marked just isn’t a big enough word. He beat the hell out of them until I was screaming and sobbing. I fought so hard in that position my ankles got bruised from the cuffs. Master is proud of me. I am proud of me.
I’m still not sure of my masochist nature, but looking at these pictures, well, I must be; at least a little, lol. (And, I do like Master’s marks. Call me sick, I dunno, but I just do.) This picture was taken after he marked and then iced me. Master said my right breast started to swell around the nipple so he stopped and iced it. That mini-blind wand is evil, evil, evil.
This picture was taken the next day:
and… a week later:
So, yes, I fear my Master. I definitely fear what will befall my body when I go there. But I am not in any real danger. Bruises heal. Master’s number one rule is, protect the property! He plays hard, but he looks after me with expert care.
I love him, and I can’t deny that looking at myself afterwards makes me feel proud. I am proud. Master said so to me last night. He knows I am. Proud of being able to endure; I take pride in being the perfect slave-for him. I am not perfect! But Master is so proud of me and pleased with me and my service.
But fear, yes! I am the biggest baby you will ever find. But yeah, I must be a masochist, because it gets my pussy wet each and every time, and I keep going back for more!
I wonder if I will ever truly understand myself.
11 Responses to "fear, pride, and pictures"
June 11, 2008 at 8:28 am
Thank you freya. I am still working out my feelings about this. But thank you for the kind comments.
June 11, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Just wanted to second the motion that your marks are beautiful. and you also have great tits. I recently discovered your blog and have read all the archives and am blown away by the intensity of your feelings. it’s like you’re on a long honeymoon. maybe being apart from master makes the times you are together even more intense.
incidentally, does your master read the common kajira blog. i’ve been struck by how both masters have similiar styles. you must tell somebody once a week you are an owned slave(keep us up to date when you do that) she does it once a month. and you’re both restrained at night and you have a 20 minute devotional (keep us up to date on that too). she kneels for an hour in the morning. there are differences. she has her nipples pierced and shaves her pussy daily. your nipples aren’t pierced (although I wonder if master is considering doing that to your nipples or pussy).and i don’t remember you mentioning shaving. maybe it’s all a coincidence but i thought it was interestinng
and while i understand that you don’t want to break up the inertia of a 25 year old marriage, i’m wondering whether your husband and his wife are clueless about the time you spend together.or when your tits are marked or you sleep restrained.
anyway, i’m happy you both found each other at this point in your lives.i think d/s relationships are much more intense and fulfilling than vanilla ones.
and keep us up to date on your journey and life with master.
florida dom
June 12, 2008 at 4:56 am
Yes, I’ve been reading a common kajira’s blog for quite some time. To my knowledge, she began wearing restraints to bed and telling someone she is owned sometime after Master gave me those directives. I’ve often wondered if her Master reads my blog, lol. Her kneeling time has been going on however, for a number of years, well before I even met my Owner. Yes I shave, but it isn’t something Master ever required, just something that I do for him.
I am able to sleep restrained and maintain privacy from my husband because I have my own bedroom and do not sleep with him anymore.
Master has said that he would not ever mark me permanently. He has never said anything about tattoos or piercings.
Thank you for your interest in my blog and for the kind words Florida Dom.
June 12, 2008 at 5:47 am
Wow! These marks are intense and oh so beautiful. I can imagine that you are proud of yourself. I only had such marks with my first Master, a true Sadist. When he was beating me i always was wondering; is this what i want? Is this what i need? Like some kind of a chant. But my body made clear i loved it. At first i thought i wasn’t a masochist, submissive yes, but not a masochist. Now (ten years later) i know i am a submissive masochist or a masochistic submissive. They belong together. 
Now i am in a quite new D/s relationship, so my Owner is building things up, carefully. So no bruises for me. Yet. But i am craving, really craving for pain.
I love your blog for what i’ve read, can i link you?
Sweet greetz from Holland, mo
June 12, 2008 at 6:49 am
those are some intense marks. i am sure you love looking at them, i know i search for the smallest bruise the next day, so i have something to look at…lol.
(((hugs)))
lc
June 12, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Yes you can link me moonheart. Thank you for that! Yes lc, I admit I like marks. (Master keeps telling me so anyway, lol) I wish I could get over the shock sometimes. Nothing like a picture to burn something into the memory, lol.
June 13, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Sorry for not noticing you had linked to common kajira, a tipof that you do read her blog. I’m amazed she finds time to blog every single day. And maybe her Master does read your blog if you were in restraints first. and, yes, she’s been kneeling for ages, but your Master added a nasty twist by making you keep your hands behind your head. Your arms must be sore after doing thst each day.
Are the bruises starting to fade yet? I’m curious if your Master is going to keep beating your tits at your next meeting or whether he’ll dial it back. Either way, he seems to be doing a great job of training you. You don’t seem to be a pain slut from your posts but he certainly seems to be training you to take more pain.
Anyway,you both seem to be on a great adventure and I hope you both enjoy it. It’s great to have the kind of connection you two seem to have and you appear to be fulfilling each other’s needs.
Good luck.
Florida Dom
June 17, 2008 at 11:04 am
As regular readers of this blog know, I rarely post here. It is my wish that doubleknot not skew her comments toward currying favor with me, a wish which is better met if I am not too visible. However, this one comment did grab my attention: “You don’t seem to be a pain slut from your posts but he certainly seems to be training you to take more pain.”
There is a premise embedded in that comment, that the boundary of the pain to which she is subjected is defined by what she can “take.” That is not my view, and is not at all the dynamic I have created with her. That implies a capacity of hers to define my actions, and which I will never allow.
Thus, it is not “training” that is happening here. It is me, pursuing my own unique and unfettered path. Unfettered by what my slave can or cannot take, at least.
What does it even mean to be unable to take a given level of pain? She might be unable to wish for or accept or crave or desire a certain level of pain, but that isn’t going to stop me.
And you want to know a little secret? When the pain is over, she loves me more, and is more proud, and is more grateful, and more closely bonded to me than before.
June 10, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Your marks are truly beautiful. you should be proud in confronting your fears and serving your Master so magnificently. It is a privilege and a joy to wear the marks of a Master’s need to thoroughly use his property,and the slave’s twin need to serve completely.