Master and I had a talk last night.

M: I have a task for you. Buy me a toy… you have a $50 budget.

dk: What do you want?

M: Something you know I will like.

dk: I have a whole suitcase full of stuff, lol

M: Yes, but this is about you buying it specifically for me.

dk: I don’t know what you would like.

M: Yes you do. You may hate to admit that to yourself though.

dk: What if it’s not what you’d hoped for?

M: There is no specific thing I’m hoping for.

dk: I honestly have no idea what you’d want.

M: What I want from this task is your effort to find something that I will find pleasurable. It could be an an item of clothing… an adult toy, of course, something.

dk: Another slave? But not on a $50 budget…

M: *laughs* I’d hate to see what you’d get for that…

And so, I had my task.

Actually, this came at a very good time. Circumstances beyond his control have taken up much of Master’s time lately and we have hardly been able to talk in two weeks. We’ve had snatches of conversation; a half hour here or there, some days none at all; on a good day, an hour and a bit. Otherwise the chat has been quite short, and I’ve been struggling to remain settled and above all, properly focused on my enslavement.

So, being given a task to do really felt good. In spite of my protestations, I did have some ideas of what Master would like. Trouble was, they were decidedly things that I knew I wasn’t going to like.

Still, I am a slave, and have to remember that it is sooo not about me…

I found three items that I thought Master might enjoy using on me. I had to scour his profile again over at collarme just to refresh my memory, for some of the things listed that he “loves” were not things we had done before, so I wasn’t sure if he still loved them or not. The items I chose were a red, perforated ball gag, the infamous misery stick introduced to me in Kaya’s blog, and a quirt.

The next day, I asked Master what he thought of my choices.

M: I like the ball gag. Go ahead and order that.

dk: Yuck; you would.

M: ?? *eyebrows arched*

dk: Awww, just sayin’.

M: You’ll look perfect with a bright red ball gag,

M: And drool slipping down your chin.

dk: They are ugly and humiliating.

M: Are they?

dk: Hard to look glam wearing one of those things.

M: I reckon that’s right.

M: Then how come it makes your cunt wet, even at the mere thought of it?

dk: Your arched eyebrow did that.

M: Plus the realization of “ugly and humiliating”.

dk: It’s all humiliating.

M: That’s soooooo too bad.

dk: It’s got holes in it, so I can scream right through it.

M: That’s true. You can scream right through it.

At this point, I was becoming restless; and I noticed my palms getting clammy.

dk: *fidgets*

M: Don’t worry. The muzzled you will serve me well.

Master decided yes to the misery stick and no to the quirt, stating that our collection was already long on such things and noticeably absent in the whole “gagging” category, lol. (“That’s obvious why those are missing; NEXT”)

Soon we got on the subject of whips.

dk: How about a mini flogger? You say you like whips. We don’t have a whip.

M: You know, I used to have an awesome single tail whip.

dk: *shudders*

M: My old slave has it. I should have her send it to me.

M: You know, I was a natural with it. Go figure.

dk: God Master, now my cunt’s twitching. And to think I was half asleep.

M: You know, truly, it will light up your flesh.

dk: but,

M: But?

dk: Do you mean a real whip? Like a bull whip?

M: Yes. A real, leather bull whip

dk: But, I was gonna say, you don’t have room to swing one.

dk: JC

M: *smiles*

dk: *goes clammy*

I think at this point, I was becoming a reluctant slave; even more than I am a reluctant masochist. My whole body started to tremble; I was visibly sweating. My cunt twitched madly with a mind of its own; (I am not responsible.) I was getting very scared. Master sensed this in me.

M: The thing you have to remember is, these things are for me.

dk: Yeah, but without me they’re just things.

M: Not just the things…

M: The uses of the things. That is for me.

M: Focus on that.

M: Cling to that.

He then showed me a picture closely resembling the whip he’d been reminiscing about and also imagining using on my [his] flesh.

dk: Did you use it on her?

M: Of course *smiles*

dk: Well JC Master!

dk: Although, I do fantasize about being whipped with one of those things.

dk: But that is strictly for my fantasy land.

M: You think?

dk: If I knew I was going to be whipped by you for real… I’d puke.

M: Better hope I get the whip before I get the ball gag then.

dk: Ewwww

M: “I’m just sayin’” to quote a phrase.

dk: *fidgets and sweats*

And then, Master sent me off to bed. Which left me in a decidedly nervous mood. I told Master, who replied that it was okay to be nervous, but he wanted me to sleep for him.

And I did try to sleep; but kept thinking about that whip.

It’s true, I do have fantasies about being strung up and whipped. To me, that is the ultimate act of S&M. Whipping someone; being whipped. I still shudder thinking about it.

The trouble is what Master said from the very beginning. He wanted me to pick out a thing for him. It is for his pleasure. Focus on him. Cling to that.

Makes me feel like the most selfish slave to have difficulty doing that! But, seriously, I am not that into pain. Those bruised tits I photographed a few weeks back, that cost me something. It gave me something too, but the cost was great.

I was not enjoying myself at all while he was beating my tits. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t go into subspace, or at least, it is rare. I feel everything and I don’t know about endorphins taking pain away. That just doesn’t happen to me. If anything, I relish when the scene is over because it finally stops hurting as badly, and I am proud of myself for making it through until Master had taken what he wanted from his slave.

And orgasming from pain? Not a chance! I get wet, true; I get soaking-fucking wet, but I have yet to orgasm from the pain inflicted on me during Master’s playtime. My orgasm comes later, when I’m masturbating and thinking about the scene. That all my orgasm fantasies revolve around pain makes me a masochist, I suppose. But I am a scaredy-cat first and foremost, lol.

Or, at least, I want to control the amount of pain and location on my body.

Take away that control, and well, that is also very hot; but sometimes, frankly, it is frightening. And being a slave means I’ve given up controlling anything that happens to my body ever again; unless Master chooses to allow me such control; but I seriously don’t see that ever happening.

I suppose I do sort of go into slavespace during a scene. That is what allows me to flow with what is happening and not resist; that is, until it gets too painful. But I’m talking about things like the ball gag. Things that are humiliating.

When it’s just me and Master, I definitely float away to a place where all I am is his slave and property. He could gag me and I could drool and get all un-glam and it would be just fine with me because at that moment, all I am is property. I am being used and serving my purpose as Master’s slave. It’s all good. That doesn’t frighten me, and it’s not that embarrassing at the time.

If I had to do that in public play, well that would likely be a different story. That too, would cost me something. Being humiliated in front of a group of people is decidedly different than when it’s just me and Master in the privacy of our room.

But it’s for him. How I happen to feel is really not all that important. Whether I’m enjoying it or not, also unimportant; unless Master wishes it. If Master wants me to enjoy myself, then I know he will certainly see to it, because that is HIS wish. But if he is performing acts upon my [his] body that I find humiliating, distasteful, fear, or hate, well, all of that makes no difference because he is going to do what he is going to do and I have no power to influence his choices.

And THAT is what makes my hands go clammy. THAT is what makes my cunt twitch. That is what makes me soak myself just thinking about it. That I am being objectified for Master’s pleasure. It really is very hot. At times scary, but hot.

Master was right. I just need to focus on him.