Missing Master, part CLXVIII
Posted by: doubleknot on: November 15, 2008
My owner does not have unlimited time to devote to his slave. He just doesn’t. He has a job, family, responsibilities as have I, and life seems to continually make its demands of him and his time.
In the beginning of our relationship, this was what it was. I did not expect, therefore was never disappointed. When I began to complain and try and make demands for more of his time, said demands were met with a period of silence, absence of all communication for a number of days. I was all but ready to throw in the towel after a time and wrote him an email telling him so.
Since then I have learned that my “needs” are totally subjective, and not necessarily viewed in the same way by my owner. He deems what I need and it’s his job to keep me maintained in perfect working order to suit him and HIS needs.
This is hard. I won’t candy-coat it, it is hard. And if anyone were here to listen, I might be inclined to be a bit whiny about the whole thing. How many posts have I already written about missing my Master? This is the bane of the long-distance relationship. Even if the distance is only a mere hour’s drive. Not living together is hard.
Now, I am not naive enough to think that moving in together will magically solve all of my “problems”. Life is life and tends to get in the way lots of times whether you live with your owner or not.
Maybe we have even more opportunity to “play” because we have to go to a hotel. If we were living together, with kids around, how often would there be privacy? Would we still make a point of finding a hotel room for a morning just for him to enjoy his property? That’s really hard to say. I’d say the chances are unlikely. I would guess the enjoyment of his property might even decrease with less planned “play” time. I don’t know for sure.
I remember back when I was first married how much I missed my husband when he was away at work even. I was pathetic that way, lol. I found being apart from him, for any reason really, exceedingly difficult. I pined for him much the same way I now pine for Master when he is unavailable to me. The thing is, after time, this pining feeling does wear off.
I’m not so sure that is a good thing, but I do know from experience that it eventually will happen. But for now… loneliness is a bitch.
4 Responses to "Missing Master, part CLXVIII"
November 16, 2008 at 5:54 am
My behavior will never “control” my Master. He is very keen on preventing that. Therefore, I’ve gotten much, much better in this regard. He treats me much the same way he treats his own kids when they whine, lol. He sees to it that said whining will never “get” them what they so desperately want. It works for me just the same as it works for them.
Good for you that you too are getting better lalana. We’ll get there, won’t we? *hugs* dk
November 16, 2008 at 8:49 am
Doubleknot,
I realize that most people here simple stroke each other…giving strength no matter what. If that is what you seek, do not read my comments. When I read your jounral I see someone who wants truth, who aches for it, who desperately wants to live by it. However truth stings, truth burns, truth is the salt that truly heals. I can offer you truth, but I encourage you not to read it if you are only seeking soothing balm for the lie.
There is a great line by the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow that my family and I live by, delivered as Will Turner is hung from the mast of the commandereed ship he and Johnney Depp just stole, he says “it all comes down to what a man can do and what a man cannot do.” He can either be a pirate or die…what he can or cannot do.
We all choose. Even in the case of slavery. You cannot live without him, so you try to live gratefully with the crumbs he gives you off the table (Mark 7:28). You can barely survive with them, but you cannot live without him. Living without Him is infinitely worse than living in almost continual depravation, as you are, so you remain. When you feast it is so rich and perfect you become again convinced you will survive, when you face the famine the memory does not satisfy.
In the end it comes down to what you can do…and what you cannot do.
November 16, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I think that part of the problem (speaking from experience here) is that relationships aren’t – can’t be static. They need to grow or they falter and die. And the contact we have with the people we care for – whether for example we are a slave or a girl friend – is what sparks the relationship as well as fertilizes it. We learn from our interactions and receive sustenance. A big part of my service is to write, creatively and erotically. There is a clear improvement in both quantity and quality when I hear from my torturing teacher. A longer e-mail exchange yields better results, a phone call nets a burst of product, and the occasional visit… ah, joy. I’m not withholding what will please him, I want more than anything to please him. But more contact = more inspiration = more pleasure for my demon muse.
Certainly we just plain long for the person who plays such an important role in our lives, but I think it’s more complex than just plain missing them. And while yes, in my case too it is all about HIS needs, he is learning that giving me a bit more attention will get him more of what he wants.l
November 15, 2008 at 11:06 pm
doubleknot –
Sometimes I think my neediness is easier to handle when Master’s not here. This way, I can rationally remind myself that HE HAS A JOB. When Master is home, and in the mood to relax, or wind down, or has just had a stressful week and needs some time alone, it’s very easy for me to get into the mode that you described in the beginning – the begging/whining, which accomplishes nothing but pissing Master off and pushing him away. Since I know my needs are sometimes unrealistic, I’ve become quite good at self-analyzing and seeing if I’m being ridiculous or not. Quite often, I am!! I’m getting better at reminding myself that Master’s wants come before what I perceive as my needs… I just sometimes have a hard time distinguishing between wants and needs for myself. It’s a challenge that I’m dealing with – me being pouty and needy doesn’t please Master, which makes us both unhappy. It’s become something that I’m working very hard on, not attempting to control his actions through my emotional outbursts…. since it wasn’t very effective anyway
**hugs**
lalana