I’ve never been a real good submissive type.  I just am not.  That’s probably why I sometimes tell Master that I don’t think I make a very good slave.

Oh, I have been quite the subby sub before.  Way back.  I used to aspire to be one of those uber subs like Castle Realm preached about.  You know the kind, the ones who call every male “Sir” and show deference to any professed Master.  The ones who always state their opinion quite respectfully and keep their emotions held tightly in check.

I tried to be that way.  I did.  But it was so phony coming from me it was almost laughable.  And one thing I cannot stand is hypocrisy.  So I stopped doing it.   I dropped the feigned respect I had for any male online who capped his name.

Well, I did afford them respect, until I saw evidence that they deserved otherwise, something I could usually determine within the first ten minutes; or less.

I was not out and out disrespectful at first, but I was wary.  I kept my alert set on high as I conversed with these men and was making judgments about them from the very first words out of their mouth.  Did they exude arrogance?  Wisdom?  Integrity?  Were they spouting bullshit?  Or were they reasonable with their feet solidly on the ground?

I don’t think that made me necessarily un-submissive, but it certainly helped to weed out the undesirables.

Yes, just as potential Masters judge us, we too judge them.  It has to be done.  I am not giving my power away to some nitwit just because he has a penis and capitalizes his name.  He’d better be able to spell and form complete sentences.  In fact, he’d better be smarter than me.  He will have to be, to keep me.

Enter my Master.  A man who could spell correctly, form complete sentences, and even used words I had to look up in the dictionary.  And while he had an arrogance about him, he did not talk down to me, but treated me with respect.  He did admonish me at least once in that first conversation when I misunderstood him, but really, he acted as I expected a confident dominant male to act.  It was that combination of things that so strongly attracted me to him from the get-go.

Now, I didn’t automatically melt into some sappy, doormat submissive upon realizing this guy had what I was looking for.  I was almost more on my guard.  I needed him to keep proving to me that he was the real deal:  intelligent, sane, reasonable, yet unyielding, if that makes any sense.  And he did.  He consistently maintained his original persona.  He never changed from that first day, and I respected that.  There were no surprises.

I cannot say if I changed from day one.  I’ll leave that for my Master to expound on, if he so chooses.  I will say that I had a healthy respect for him that has remained to this day, and serves me well when it comes to my submission.  If I did not respect this man so much, he would never have kept me, and kept me serving him this long.  If he had somehow failed me in that I lost respect for him, I would be long gone I think.

Still, I can get pretty stubborn sometimes.  Master says “You get so obstinant you would rather do most anything than admit you’re wrong, even when my ownership expects an end to the discussion and your subjugation.”

I replied, “You get that because I’m basically afraid of you and I weigh my choices very carefully… either shut up, or god knows what.”

Master said, “Right!  I knew you were smart.”

“Yeah, but that’s the lowest form of obedience.  I’m obstinate, sometimes.”

Master corrected me, “Obstinant”

Meanwhile, I’m at dictionary.com quoting:

Ob-sti-nate

-adjective

1. firmly or stubbornly adhering to one’s purpose, opinion, etc,; not yielding to argument, persuasion, or entreaty.

“See?  No results found for obstinant.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“Well, there ya go then.  Good thing you are obstinate or we never would have known that, lol“

And then, I had to ask:

“Would you prefer that I not be so stubborn?  It could slide into doormat.”

And this is why I love my Master and why he is so perfectly suited to me;

He said, “I want you to use the full power of your abilities to be right, to be productive, to be everything.  It’s my job to tell you, ‘Enough.’  Does that answer the question?”

“Yes Master…    -a pause-   This all makes me feel very subby.”

“Well… given your station, that’s a good thing.”

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