Come on people, spill it!
Posted by: doubleknot on: April 18, 2009
You know, I’ve never really lived on my own. I think it’s time. I think doing so would bring tremendous growth. I expect to do so in the near future.
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It’s funny. I read a few lifestyle blogs. Some of them don’t really discuss their relationships: how they interact, what is done, how they feel about things. And I wonder why not? Why not talk about the raw; the good, the bad, the ugly? Why not? We all struggle. Name one couple who does not struggle? Even those who seem most harmonious did not get there without effort. All of us have learned some hard lessons. I want to know why people would hesitate sharing them?
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In fact, it seems some bloggers offer very little info on themselves. What do they do for a living? Are they married? Single? Kids? I realize people want anonymity but come on; it’s pretty hard to determine someone’s identity online unless you give specifics. The internet is such a huge place. I like to know something about the writer. It helps give a frame of reference as you read them. So come on people, start filling out some of the details. Inquiring minds want to know!
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Things are quiet around here lately. I have been deep in thought. I am becoming more and more ready to start seriously thinking and fleshing out a plan for ending my marriage and stepping out on my own. (So to speak. Master will always lead and guide me.) I want the freedom to come and go as I please. I want to not have to make up cover stories when I want to see Master. I want to be able to have Master come over to my house. I might even want to move.
To be honest? I never wanted this house. It was and is too big for me. My husband pushed me into the idea of buying this place. And then he never lifted much of a finger to take care of it. I think I’ve always resented this house; the expense, the upkeep. I remember going into a mild depression right after we bought the place.
Trouble is, I guess, that it’s the place that the kids think of as ‘home’. It will always be home to them, and for that reason alone, I’d like to keep the place. Other trouble is, the husband wouldn’t want to leave here either. He loves this place. He’s got it made here. So, I don’t know. Many things to think about. But I know I’m not alone. I know there are tons of people living in my shoes as it were; thinking of leaving; thinking about the kids; thinking how it would be to venture out on their own.
So that’s why I’ve been rather quiet lately I guess.
I don’t really have an answer for him when he asks why I want to be done with our marriage. I don’t really have a good reason. I know he would like one. Maybe even needs one. Ending things with someone you’ve been exclusive with for thirty years should have a damned good reason; shouldn’t it? A better reason than, “We’ve drifted apart.” Or, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”
But that’s all the reason I have, really. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I barely get along with and have nothing in common with. I want to feel alive again. And living here, with him, in this house, I don’t. The times I feel most alive are spent with Master. And while time with him is not something I can expect to increase any time soon, I dunno.
I think striking out on my own will be incredibly healthy and freeing for me.
You don’t come to this sort of conclusion quickly. I have been thinking about it for the better part of ten years now. Just say I’m a procrastinator; or unsure of myself; or wishy-washy. Because I don’t like making big decisions. That’s why I have Master to help me. He is the level head here. He will guide me and show me what is my best course of action. On him I can depend.
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It’s a nice day, though a bit overcast. At least it’s finally nice outside. I feel a bit lethargic today, which is likely from having worked 12 and 13+ hours the last two days. My knees and hips ache a bit. Perhaps from work, age, and/or weather. While I don’t look my age, some days I sure feel it.
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The black cat spends the better part of her days stretched out on my bed. My son calls it sloth. *chuckles* My son is cool.
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I was going out to listen to music tonight with a friend. Have not heard from said friend. If she doesn’t phone, I’m not going to phone her either. I bought a big bottle of wine. I intend to drink a few glasses and relax in my cage tonight. With my big, slothful, black cat.
Technorati Tags: marriage, transparency, divorce, slavery, blogging
14 Responses to "Come on people, spill it!"
April 18, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Well…
I write about farts.
I wonder if that counts as the “less than glamorous” stuff? I sure hope so, because if that’s the glamor-highlight of my life, I swear on everything I hold dear, I WILL cry… 
I dunno if I’m one of those people who doesn’t share personal details… I don’t THINK I am, but I’m not sure?
For my part – ask me anything, and if I’m allowed to answer, I will. There isn’t TOO much I can’t talk about, and I don’t really know what people want to know, yanno? I just used the word “know” about fifty times… Yeesh.
Random info: I’m 5′11″ tall. I’m about an inch taller than my Man, as a matter of fact. TALL.
(stealing your dividers…)
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I’m SO proud of you. I don’t know if that’s the right word to say to someone facing a separation, eventually a divorce. But I am proud of you for doing something big and important and GOOD for you.
And I guess, for me… The way I think about it is this: You should have a good reason – many of them, actually – for marrying someone. And if all those reasons are gone, and no new ones have popped up… Isn’t that enough of a reason to stop being married? I don’t know. Maybe not.
I guess I just think that while every couple struggles, at the end of the figurative “day,” you should still look at that person and, if you weren’t married yet, you’d want to get on your knees and propose. I mean, right? Shouldn’t you WANT to be married to someone to stay married?
To be fair, I might be coming from a strange place on this, because some of this is reminding me of what my mother said to my grandmother, who was stubbornly refusing to sell her awful house a while back. Mom said, “Pretend you don’t own the house. Pretend you just had as much money as the house is worth in your pocket. Now, would you buy the house with that money? Or would you do something else with it? If you would buy the house, then, okay, keep the house and don’t sell. But if you’d do something else with the money, then you have to sell the house. Don’t act like you don’t have a choice, act like you do.”
So I guess my view on it is a bit strange, being as I’m relating it to real estate…. But, the parallel is (obviously): In the past ten years (and I’d say that’s a pretty decent time range to judge it!), if you and your husband weren’t married, would you have proposed during that decade? Would you have wanted him to propose? If no… Then why are you married? (That was rhetorical, of course, since clearly your post is about you thinking more seriously about ending your marriage.)
I mean, of course, it’s not that simple. There are kids and mortgages and LIFE in the way… But maybe it’s a good idea to have in the back of your head – would you have wanted to get married to this man at all in the past decade? In my head, a resounding “no” is a really, really, powerful reason to end the marriage…
Or maybe that’s a horrible way to look at it. I dunno. I just know it’s what would be in the back of MY head.
And, wow, look, I rambled. HOW STRANGE, OMG.
In short? I’m proud of you. Get YOU!
~Chloe
April 18, 2009 at 5:15 pm
To p I say, “dare to be that drama queen!” Lol. I know I whine and go all emo in this joint. But also, I mix it up. hey, it’s my blog!
Chloe, I love you! And you absolutely crack me up faster than anyone.
I read your farting post. It was hilarious!
That’s some good advice there. I suppose I don’t have much to say in response, because my thoughts and feelings are ALL over the place on this one.
and my dividers? you can have ‘em. anytime.
April 18, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Hmmm. I don’t know what else I could possibly share, ffs! You’re just never happy. Hmmph.
Obviously you have to do what’s right for you, but my philosophy is pretty simple.
Life is short.
The End.
April 18, 2009 at 5:36 pm
omg Kaya; YOU GIVE!! Lmao! But yeah; i’m greedy. Never satisfied. Always want more, more, MORE! lol
Ayup. Life IS short. That’s what I keep sayin’ too.
April 18, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I enjoy reading your posts. I also am in somewhat of the same boat as you. The only difference.. Im a Domme.. Its hard to want and think about hurting others..(if they will be hurt) and upsetting the whole cart. thank you for sharing and being honest. yes a lot of us are in the same perdicament.
thanks
Lashes
April 19, 2009 at 11:19 am
I loved this post, dk! And I, too, wonder at the blogs that make it all happy and shiny all the time.
You said: ” I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I barely get along with and have nothing in common with. I want to feel alive again.”
Well, I was in the same boat. We had been together almost 30 years too. It’s a big step; in my case it was a good step in the end but that’s not always true for all. But it sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought so, as The Bard said, “To thine own self be true”. Or something like that…all I know is, I was was much happier after I left, though much poorer. And life was no longer boring but it was no longer as safe-feeling, either.
And your black cat sounds like our black cat. We call him “burly boy” because he’s pretty fat. But very slothful and happy too.
April 19, 2009 at 1:31 pm
LadyLashes,
Thanks for stopping to comment! Yes, I don’t like the idea of hurting anyone. It’s hard to draw the line sometimes between what is selfish and what is self-preserving.
Amber,
I don’t think I knew that about you. “happier, though much poorer”. Yes, I expect that to be the case for me as well. Not sure about the “safe-feeling” part. I’m not sure the hub makes me feel all that safe.
Lol on ‘burly boy’. Yes, ours is fat too. Gotta love fat cats!
April 19, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hi, dk. Great post… several recently, to tell the truth. One of which inspired a lot of writing on my part – haven’t done much with that one yet, but I digress.
In October, I moved out alone with my six-year-old daughter. Away from my life’s companion of fourteen years. It’s complicated. We’re still close friends, we just couldn’t live together anymore and moving to the upper duplex and each having our own space side by side didn’t change the parenting challenges.
Nothing big an dramatically wrong, to tell the truth, just… both of us feeling trapped in something we wouldn’t have chosen again and making the best of it. I got tired of that story. No one is trapped now because I left. I’m the more flexible one in our relationship and more capable of learning to want what I have, what I live as a single parent, even if it isn’t what I would have chosen in the first place. It is what I choose now.
I love Chloe’s perspective. I’m right there. My daughter still spends the weekends with her papa and we live right next to her school, now. It’s a great place – the first one I looked at. When I sucked it up and did what I knew was needful, it was like the Universe rallied around me and carried me through the terror and the overwhelm. Never had a doubt that it was the right thing to do.
I hope you find clarity and peace about your situation and that you discover renewed commitment to whatever it is you choose (or whatever your Master directs you to do, as the case may be).
Dark Blessings,
Anika
April 19, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hey Anika!
I had to check over at FL to see if devoted phoenix here and there were one in the same. I’m pleased to find that you are!
As you know, I have a great deal of respect for your ideas and writings. I’m glad to know I’ve inspired you to write more. All the better for me, lol.
Thanks for sharing a little bit of your story. I think courage is built slowly. I think I am gaining momentum at long last.
I appreciate the comment. Take care!
April 19, 2009 at 4:15 pm
dk, yes, I met my ex husband at 14, married him at 18; I left when I was 42. It was wonderful being alone but scary too. My son helped me move into my little rental house and I cried against his shoulder when he was saying goodbye. Not my proudest parental moment.
I was scared to death. But free. That’s what I meant by “safe”; not that I felt my ex was protective because he wasn’t but when I was living with my ex, at least everything was familiar. A comfortable life, two cars,mortgage we paid for, bills we had money for. Yes, I was free to be myself when I moved but nothing was familiar anymore and no more walls to protect me.
But then, I had no walls at all which was wonderful. If that makes sense.
April 20, 2009 at 7:07 am
Follow your heart.
Are there enough details in my blog? I don’t know. All someone has to do is ask, and I will more than likely answer.
I have a black cat, too. His name is Lucky. He’s not fat b/c he’s too busy running away from 3 young children. He is not sloth. I love my little black cat. Sounds like a submissive thing…
carolynn
April 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Hi DK. I read your blogging through our friend VanImp.
I relate to your thoughts on marriage. It is nice to feel I’m not the only one that grieves for this and at the same time knows it is for our own good. One day at a time and focussing on the good place at the end of the process is how I am moving through. Sometimes I lose the plot and forget to focus on the logical part of the process. That is when friends and loved ones get me through – somestimes they have to be rather firm. lol.
Kia kaha.
April 24, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@ carolynn,
Yeah, you give details, lol. But I’ve found that some of the nitty-gritty is password protected by some of my fellow bloggers. Not a bad idea, I might add. I’ve had my share of blog stalking.
@molten,
Nice to ‘meet’ you! I’ve seen your name enough over at vanimp’s, lol.
Yes, the marriage thing is sticky. My heart goes out to you if you are in the process of leaving one. I’m not there yet…. more like a terminal illness here: we just keep deteriorating. 
April 18, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I well understand what it’s like to censor ones own journal. i used to keep a journal of my day to day life as a slave living with her Master, then later, living in a poly household. I would read so many other journals and see page after page of glowing accounts of wonderful scenes, sex and subspace. Then i would look back to my own and see pages of pages of turmoil and drama and felt like i was constantly whining and didnt want to be viewed as someone who was a drama queen or focused on the negative so i stopped journalling all together. Looking back i wished i hadnt stopped but made it private or passworded as it is now so i can at least know who is reading it and feel able to write more transparently. For me it was important to write about the things i felt the strongest, and often they arent the prettiest. The worst thing that can happen to a journal is when it’s author feels a need to “color it comfy”.