I’m emotionally a bit labile the past few days. but  I’m probably coping better than I could have expected.  I’m certain Master is the reason.  I feel all tucked in and well-cared for lately.  I feel I am in a safe haven being His.

Work is part of it.  My job is hard.  I take care of adult cancer patients.  I’ve been in the field most of my 27-year career as a nurse, and over time, I have learned to keep my involvement more on a professional level.  In the beginning, I used to take work home with me, so to speak.  I called to see how my patients were doing on my days off.  I worried about them a lot.  I found, however, that that road leads to burn-out quickly.

I worked twenty hours over the course of three days, and it was hard work.  A few of my patients dug their way into my heart.  One, a 26 y/o woman with metastatic pancreatic cancer.  She is fighting for her life.  She is in constant pain, ill from her aggressive chemotherapy, and she wrenched my heart out.  The other was a sixty-ish woman newly diagnosed with metastatic ovarian cancer.  She’d already lost a daughter to ovarian cancer.  She’d had extensive surgery and was not doing well.  I tended to her very closely over the course of three days, and she was headed for the ICU at the end of that third day.  Work was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting those days.

Add to that the impending separation and divorce of my husband of 26 years.  I will say, that when the shit hits the fan, you truly find out who your friends are.  The ones that are there for you, by your side, holding your hand, offering an ear…

I’ve been thinking about the trust thing a lot.  It occurred to me, I do trust Master.  Completely.  It’s not that I don’t trust him, or that I’m afraid to trust him fully; it’s that I don’t always like not being in charge.  Plain and simple.  The trust thing was merely a smoke cloud to hide the uglier fact that I can be stubbornly resistant, even if just in my mind and not actions.  I’m not really all that stubborn where he is concerned.  I worry.  I fear the loss of control.  And with the break up of my marriage and the exodus of the husband, that control is looming larger than ever.

Now that I won’t have a husband to control, I really won’t have anything left to control.  My kids are growing up.  Even my mentally-challenged daughter does not need me as much anymore; she is pretty self-sufficient in a lot of ways.  My job here at home is changing.  I have no show to run anymore.  And that makes me feel vulnerable.

Being under Master’s hand has been nothing but good for me in every conceivable way.  But it leaves me open to the unknown.  And naturally, with my past experiences of opening myself up to people, only to be deeply wounded further on down the road, fear of this happening again surfaces every now and then.  I hope I chose wisely.  You know?

Master always says, I didn’t choose him; he chose me.  And that is true.  Once he met me, understood what he would gain in owning me, I never stood a chance of escape.  He set himself about the task of enslaving me, and accomplished it rather quickly.  Still, in the very beginning, I chose.

I chose to meet him that first time.  And after having met him and being roughly face-fucked by him on my knees in the snow in twenty-degree weather, I chose to meet him again.  And again.  And again.  Until I became unable to refuse his demands.

“I will be using you on Friday.  Find a place.”  And so I would.  There was never a reason not to.  Multiply that by two and a half years and we are fast-forwarded to today.  Mentally, emotionally, and every other which way, I am totally enslaved to this man.

It’s all good.  I just never came to this level of enslavement before.  The prospect of being single and more available to him magnifies that realization.  I forge on ahead, sometimes eagerly, and sometimes with trepidation.  This is my fate.  There is no turning back.

Gradually though, the fears will one by one be cast completely away.  Every big change tests the strength of a relationship.  Tests our trust; our faith.  I know this.

Just like with the friends I’d chosen from my past.  Some stick by your side.  Others, not so much.  It is what it is and sometimes there’s not much you can do about it.  People will do what they will do, regardless of how much you kick and scream about it.  That’s okay.  Some friendships were never meant to be for a lifetime.  Some friendships are but for a season.  Boy, don’t I know it.

But Master is with me for the rest of my lifetime.  I find deep comfort in that.  No matter what storms are brewing about me just now.  He is not one to run from, but one to fiercely cling to.  And so I will.  He is my constant.

I am strong, but in him I am stronger.  And that’s not so scary.

Technorati Tags: fear, enslavement, control, divorce, freinds, trust