Take a Slave to Work Day! (Or.. getting divorced is like cooking a good sauce…)
Posted by: doubleknot on: June 23, 2009
Master took me to work with him for a few days this week. Can I just say, it’s frikkin’ HOT where Master works?!!! Mid-nineties here. Ugh! I don’t know which is worse, the heat, or the deep-freeze a/c Master HAS to have running in his room (and car) 24/7. People must think I’m a nut to be wearing my sweater when I get out of his car, but without it, I know I would be a huge block of iced-slave. Hmph.
The unsettledness continues. (Is that even a word???) I find my tears ready to flow, just below the surface, nearly all the time now. Ugh again. I hate that. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. The closer moving day gets, the more mixed-up, confused feelings I’m having. None of them very good.
I told Master yesterday that I feel like a total failure. And in some ways, that’s true. What else can you call it when such a long marriage hits the skids and fizzles out? It’s because the general reaction from everyone who knows us is one of disappointment. And I hate disappointing people. Everyone thought our marriage was rock-solid. *Sigh* For awhile there, I did too.
It just makes me worry a bit about the longevity of ANY relationship. And more specifically, my relationship with Master. I’m genuinely afraid of being in another relationship that could very well crash and burn somewhere down the road. Cuz it sucks pretty bad when it happens.
I know Master doesn’t understand this. Or, maybe he does, but he doesn’t subscribe to the same belief system as I do regarding these things. I just think the whole institution of marriage is fucked up. Granted, this is me on the verge of a divorce talking; but still. I don’t ever want to get married again. I don’t think I can sustain another long-term relationship like that. I don’t think it’s good for me. Maybe not for anyone. Unless they happen to have the good fortune of growing and changing together. I dunno.
Too many people are affected as well by our break-up. Family, friends, of course the kids. All of that sucks as well. I can’t help feeling responsible. Even though I’m not the only one responsible. I’m willing to accept my share of the blame for the break-up. I’m having an affair for chrissakes. Even if hub doesn’t know it. Maybe if I had worked harder?
But, well, no. I was as committed a wife as you’d ever find. I was a committed wife and mother for all those years. My goals were all wrapped up in trying to make and keep him happy, and raise happy, healthy kids. I succeeded in the latter at least. Keeping him happy? Not so much.
Although he says now that I made him happy. I’m telling you, you’d never know it. He is the mopiest sad-sack, negative whiner I’ve ever met. And his happy moments were always short-lived. A tasty dinner made him happy. But life in general? Not so much.
I think that he felt weighed down by the responsibilities of being married with kids, a mortgage, etc. I think that made him desperately unhappy. And no amount of counseling will fix that. I think moving out and getting divorced is going to wind up being one of the best things that’s happened to him in a long time. He talks about being lonely being divorced, but hell, he’s lonely now! He never does anything much outside of working. He cut way back on the bar scene, out of guilt, no doubt. Because I rode his ass endlessly about that; about the money spent; about priorities; about growing up and maturing; about finding a better class of friends.
Now he won’t have me riding his ass about anything. Freedom. He will like it.
But, disappointing everyone? Yeah. He won’t even tell his parents. He’s afraid to. I didn’t want to tell my dad; but when I finally did last week? He wasn’t all that surprised. *Sigh*
But yeah, I’m never getting married again. Nope. No way.
Master? Well… I suppose sure, he could make me. But he’d have to get a divorce first. And after going through mine with me, I’m not sure he’ll ever want to. What an exhausting process this all is and has been.
Master will take care of me. At least, that’s what he says. Not that I’m doubting him. It’s just, …
I dunno. He liked me before. But now that I’m in the middle of all this shit, I don’t think he’s going to keep on liking me very much. I don’t like me very much. I’ve grown sullen, and well, kind of negative. This isn’t me. Not normally. I wish I could stop crying all the frikkin’ time.
Mostly I just don’t want to talk about it. I hope eventually it all simmers itself out of me. Like a nice reduction in cooking. And hopefully, only the good bits are left.
Technorati Tags: divorce, time with Master, relationships
10 Responses to "Take a Slave to Work Day! (Or.. getting divorced is like cooking a good sauce…)"
June 23, 2009 at 11:48 am
This is a difficult passage. I know. Both Master and I had long marriages that ended in divorce. His was 29 years and mine was 27. Ending those marriages was painful and complicated and time consuming and expensive. It was also scary — just as making any significant shift in the direction of our lives and our assumptions can create fear.
Today, our lives are happy. We came through the difficulties and made the changes that allowed for us to live the lives we chose. I can’t imagine living my life without Him, nor can I contemplate the misery that I’d be enduring if I’d remained in that marriage.
I hope you continue to look toward your own happiness and personal fulfillment and self-actualization. Getting divorced does not last forever. It will come to a conclusion, and when that happens, you will be able to move forward into what will be your life. While it is impossible to predict how that will be in the future, it is possible to make affirmative choices for yourself in this present moment.
I wish you all the very best,
swan
June 24, 2009 at 4:03 am
I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself for being ‘negative’. You’re in mourning really. The end of a relationship, even when you want that end to come, is difficult. Go easy on yourself, kiddo.
June 24, 2009 at 10:36 am
So many similarities to the end of my marriage and divorce. *sighs*
Everyone thought we were a rock-solid couple too. Only I knew the truth. It’s funny, Dan is copying old video tapes from my first marriage onto his computer so he can burn them on DVD; little league, birthdays, riding lessons, Easter, Christmas, school events. We have hundreds of tapes; my ex used the camera as a distancing technique to isolate himself from us.
However, there is one part where our 13 y/o daughter filmed him for a few minutes and he snapped at our nine year old son about something and the sudden change in his eyes chilled me. I didn’t see this about him at the time but now I do. Saw that look again in a picture from our daughter’s wedding a year ago now, too. And again when my daughter took a pic of him holding her baby when he went to see her right after the baby was born in April. Chilling look. Frightening.
He looks…creepy. And I’m not the only one who thinks so; my best friend, who knew him when we were much younger, saw the pic of him holding little Lily and told me she thought he looked scary before I said anything to her. And he didn’t used to look that way.
Whatever happened to him over the years was gradual and it took me a long time to *see* it. Even today I keep forgetting that he’s no longer the man I married so long ago.
That guy I married when I was 18 is *gone*. For many reasons, too many to get into but none of it had to do with me; it was due to events that happened to him long before I came on the scene.
I’m telling you all this because I relate to your feelings right now. I *wanted* to leave my ex, so badly, and I was already in love with Dan. And yet, I mourned my marriage. And I hated hurting the kids and family members and friends. It wasn’t just about the two of us; it seemed that *everyone* was upset about it. Even our neighbors.
I beat myself up about hurting everyone for years and years and only comparatively recently have I finally stopped. Because I see now that it was absolutely necessary. And if I hadn’t had Dan to help me through it, I probably never would have had the strength to leave and it’s even possible I would not be around today at all.
Let yourself grieve what didn’t happen. We all marry thinking we’ll be with that person to the grave; when that doesn’t happen, it’s natural to grieve. Let yourself grieve.
But don’t blame yourself for this. You are probably quite right and he will enjoy his freedom, for one. For another, this has been a long time coming and it was not something you planned or wanted; no one sane wants to hurt their loved ones, or even a person you used to love.
But this is necessary and you WILL be happier. Just be prepared for lots of emotions and let them all out, don’t chide yourself or beat yourself up. It’s natural.
My first day in my little house I rented after I moved out, my son had helped me move and I cried on his shoulder when it was time for him to leave, I was so scared and confused.
Yet, I also wanted to be there with all my heart and I never wanted to be back with my ex again. It’s natural to have conflicting emotions. 
And lean on your Master, he’s not leaving you, he’s there for you, lean on him. That’s what he’s there for.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} You can write me if you like, since I’ve been through this, been there, done that.
June 24, 2009 at 3:47 pm
what agony it is.. leaving a long marriage . Mine is one of 30 years and I’m still not really out the door.
Not good agony at all!
My heart goes out to you.
Of course it is normal to feel confused and scared and worried.
Being submissive makes it so hard not to please everyone… that is one place where we normally can excell.
I love the response from Amber.
She has a great perspective .
All the best to you ..
June 24, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Theresa, I do doubt myself and it does make me feel diminished in his eyes. I don’t want to do this; but I confess I fall into it all to easily sometimes. Yes, I know I am strong; but I think Master can fix my internal struggles. I think he can overrule my emotions. Not always, and not always easily, but he can. Thank you for the encouragement.
June 24, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Swan,
Oh gosh, you certainly can understand where I am coming from. Our marriage is 26 years. Painful, complicated, hopefully not too expensive if we can continue to agree on things, and hoo boy, scary. Yeah.
“Getting divorced does not last forever. It will come to a conclusion”
Boy, thank you for this. As I read this, I realized, “hey! you’re right! It won’t last forever.”
THANK GOD. Sometimes, I think it will always be like this. Like it always has been for the last ten years now, it seems. All about strife, and struggle, and hard feelings. Thank you for pointing this out, that it WILL come to an eventual end.
Thanks for your encouragement and well wishes too.
June 24, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Kaya,
Thanks. I know you’re right. And yes, there is a lot of grieving going on.
June 24, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Amber,
You do know what it’s like. Much like your Dan, if not for Master’s love, good care, and encouragement, (sometimes including a healthy shove in the direction I’m to go) I know I would never have had the courage nor the resources to even dare to proceed with divorce.
I also know that staying in the marriage is hurting me; on many levels. So it’s time to go.
I have my good days and my bad ones. On my good days I can answer the “Whys” I hear from friends and family. On the bad days, I avoid their calls.
Thanks for offering your friendship. I just might take you up on that.
*huggs* right back at’cha.
June 24, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Nancy,
Wow; 30 years. But still, if you need out, then that’s the best thing to do. It’d be worth all the agony of the leaving process I think.
Yeah, I hate, hate to disappoint… anyone, really. But then that’s being co-dependent; when you live for everyone else. I’m learning little by little not to do that, the Master/slave relationship notwithstanding, LOL!
Thanks for your support
June 23, 2009 at 9:48 am
I am in the EXACT same boat. I wonder if S will ever move here, divorce or want me the same ones I am not “someone elses” to take me from?
Our lack of belief in ourselves makes us feel diminished in the eyes of thes ones we love most. I can relate to your feelings, all too well.
I wonder if S will ever leave, divorce, want me, marry me (not that I will EVER marry again) or just fade away once I am not married and he can’t feel the delight in having me in the way he does now.
Don’t doubt. You are strong enough to give up control to another so you are strong enough to control the things you can and weather those you can’t. No Master or man can fix your internal struggles, only you can.