Wow; 30 years. But still, if you need out, then that’s the best thing to do. It’d be worth all the agony of the leaving process I think.

Yeah, I hate, hate to disappoint… anyone, really. But then that’s being co-dependent; when you live for everyone else. I’m learning little by little not to do that, the Master/slave relationship notwithstanding, LOL!

Thanks for your support

You do know what it’s like. Much like your Dan, if not for Master’s love, good care, and encouragement, (sometimes including a healthy shove in the direction I’m to go) I know I would never have had the courage nor the resources to even dare to proceed with divorce.

I also know that staying in the marriage is hurting me; on many levels. So it’s time to go.

I have my good days and my bad ones. On my good days I can answer the “Whys” I hear from friends and family. On the bad days, I avoid their calls.

Thanks for offering your friendship. I just might take you up on that.

*huggs* right back at’cha.

Thanks. I know you’re right. And yes, there is a lot of grieving going on.

Oh gosh, you certainly can understand where I am coming from. Our marriage is 26 years. Painful, complicated, hopefully not too expensive if we can continue to agree on things, and hoo boy, scary. Yeah.

“Getting divorced does not last forever. It will come to a conclusion”

Boy, thank you for this. As I read this, I realized, “hey! you’re right! It won’t last forever.”

THANK GOD. Sometimes, I think it will always be like this. Like it always has been for the last ten years now, it seems. All about strife, and struggle, and hard feelings. Thank you for pointing this out, that it WILL come to an eventual end.

Thanks for your encouragement and well wishes too.

Everyone thought we were a rock-solid couple too. Only I knew the truth. It’s funny, Dan is copying old video tapes from my first marriage onto his computer so he can burn them on DVD; little league, birthdays, riding lessons, Easter, Christmas, school events. We have hundreds of tapes; my ex used the camera as a distancing technique to isolate himself from us.

However, there is one part where our 13 y/o daughter filmed him for a few minutes and he snapped at our nine year old son about something and the sudden change in his eyes chilled me. I didn’t see this about him at the time but now I do. Saw that look again in a picture from our daughter’s wedding a year ago now, too. And again when my daughter took a pic of him holding her baby when he went to see her right after the baby was born in April. Chilling look. Frightening.

He looks…creepy. And I’m not the only one who thinks so; my best friend, who knew him when we were much younger, saw the pic of him holding little Lily and told me she thought he looked scary before I said anything to her. And he didn’t used to look that way.

Whatever happened to him over the years was gradual and it took me a long time to *see* it. Even today I keep forgetting that he’s no longer the man I married so long ago.

That guy I married when I was 18 is *gone*. For many reasons, too many to get into but none of it had to do with me; it was due to events that happened to him long before I came on the scene.

I’m telling you all this because I relate to your feelings right now. I *wanted* to leave my ex, so badly, and I was already in love with Dan. And yet, I mourned my marriage. And I hated hurting the kids and family members and friends. It wasn’t just about the two of us; it seemed that *everyone* was upset about it. Even our neighbors.

I beat myself up about hurting everyone for years and years and only comparatively recently have I finally stopped. Because I see now that it was absolutely necessary. And if I hadn’t had Dan to help me through it, I probably never would have had the strength to leave and it’s even possible I would not be around today at all.

Let yourself grieve what didn’t happen. We all marry thinking we’ll be with that person to the grave; when that doesn’t happen, it’s natural to grieve. Let yourself grieve.

But don’t blame yourself for this. You are probably quite right and he will enjoy his freedom, for one. For another, this has been a long time coming and it was not something you planned or wanted; no one sane wants to hurt their loved ones, or even a person you used to love.

But this is necessary and you WILL be happier. Just be prepared for lots of emotions and let them all out, don’t chide yourself or beat yourself up. It’s natural.

My first day in my little house I rented after I moved out, my son had helped me move and I cried on his shoulder when it was time for him to leave, I was so scared and confused.

Yet, I also wanted to be there with all my heart and I never wanted to be back with my ex again. It’s natural to have conflicting emotions.

And lean on your Master, he’s not leaving you, he’s there for you, lean on him. That’s what he’s there for.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} You can write me if you like, since I’ve been through this, been there, done that.

Today, our lives are happy. We came through the difficulties and made the changes that allowed for us to live the lives we chose. I can’t imagine living my life without Him, nor can I contemplate the misery that I’d be enduring if I’d remained in that marriage.

I hope you continue to look toward your own happiness and personal fulfillment and self-actualization. Getting divorced does not last forever. It will come to a conclusion, and when that happens, you will be able to move forward into what will be your life. While it is impossible to predict how that will be in the future, it is possible to make affirmative choices for yourself in this present moment.

I wish you all the very best,
swan

Our lack of belief in ourselves makes us feel diminished in the eyes of thes ones we love most. I can relate to your feelings, all too well.

I wonder if S will ever leave, divorce, want me, marry me (not that I will EVER marry again) or just fade away once I am not married and he can’t feel the delight in having me in the way he does now.

Don’t doubt. You are strong enough to give up control to another so you are strong enough to control the things you can and weather those you can’t. No Master or man can fix your internal struggles, only you can.