Saturday weirdness
Posted by: doubleknot on: July 4, 2009
I need to get rid of the “couple” identity. I hadn’t realized how strongly present it has remained, in spite of the drift between us over the course of our marriage. You can bicker and fight, but you’re still a married couple. Until you end it. Now that he is out, I find myself with a sort of identity crisis going on here.
I don’t know who I am. I am not his wife. (Well, I am… until the divorce is final) I am no longer part of couple-ness. I am still a mother and a nurse, and a slave… I dunno. I am struggling with how to act.
I admit I am feeling a bit depressed today. Maybe it’s because of the rain. Maybe it’s because it’s the first day off I’ve had in a week, and time to sit and think is not always a good thing for me. I seem to do better with crises when I have to keep busy and functional. Free time seems to be the enemy. Master noticed this trait in me long ago.
And I’ve been trying to keep busy today. First thing this morning, I took the kids out to breakfast. Master said I should do something with the kids to sort of connect with them; see how they are doing. Only I did it wrong. I went and invited hubby, because I keep feeling sorry for him. I feel guilty and figure he is at his place missing us. He said as much. So I invited him. But it was the wrong thing to do.
We (me and the kids) had a few minutes alone before their dad got to the restaurant, so I asked how they were doing. They seemed a bit puzzled by the question and didn’t have too much to say. As soon as hub joined us, there was all this tension. I’m thinkin’ it wasn’t such a good idea.
He and I basically bickered the whole time. Nothing heavy. He was talking about a frustrating situation he was experiencing related to the move and I was giving him my unsolicited advice. It was just like old times. The irritation was rising in his voice and I realized my mistake in inviting him. It seems we cannot enjoy each others’ company, and that trying to present an illusion of doing so, “for the kids’ sake” was wrong.
I am thinking it’s best in the future if the two of us do not do things together with the kids. He can take them and do things minus me. I don’t know why I did that. It was weird and uncomfortable.
Now I’m in a funk. I started cleaning some. I miss Master terribly. I seem to be needing him more and more. And I don’t know where that leaves me. I am wanting to jump from one “couple-hood” thing to another. Only Master isn’t in a position to be my other half. I guess I am frustrated.
I was invited to go over to a friend’s house for a cook-out later and I might take him up on the offer. I don’t know what else to do with myself. It’s not like I can go out for some shopping therapy. I did get some forbidden treats at the store yesterday. I already ate two cupcakes today, plus a big breakfast. If I keep that up, I’m going to gain back all the weight I lost. And that ain’t gonna happen. No way. No how.
My blog stats are going down. I guess that means my subject matter is less popular lately. That’s okay. It’s not even that popular to me either. Lol.
Maybe I’ll take a nap. Or read a book. Or both.
Technorati Tags: divorce, ick, weirdness, separation, confusion
13 Responses to "Saturday weirdness"
July 4, 2009 at 4:53 pm
i like your blog, stats or no. i like the candid honesty, the way you express your struggles freely. Not many really do that. So many bloggers feel the need to either whine incessantly or talk about unfairness. Or overanalyze stuff (yep i’m guilty of that one ad nauseum).
What you are going through can’t be easy. i mean, there is no way to make it easier. There are no shortcuts, and kind of like death of an elderly and/or sick relative….we can *think* we are prepared, but there is no way to know beforehand the rush of emotions that flood our souls at the actual happening.
There is more to come, but you are intelligent enough to realize that, and to know that there is no way around any of it – the only way to the other side of this emotional turmoil is through it.
i empathize with you, so much….and i wish you luck and prayers through all the ups and downs until you reach the top of the mountain on the other side of the valley.
Ugh. Too many analogies. i’ve been thinking too much lately. Sorry.
July 4, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Schiava,
Thanks for that. And, oh, I don’t know. I think I do my fair share of whining and overanalyzing too.
But thanks. And you’re right. That’s what this blog is for. To help me wade through the emotional stuff.
I just sometimes wonder why anyone would want to listen to me struggling through it all. But thanks for your readership. And thanks for the prayers and well wishes. My best to you and yours.
July 4, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Hi,
Even if it’s not the most popular, it’s helpful for me to read about the everyday stuff. Context I find helpful.
Blessings
Einora
July 5, 2009 at 8:51 am
Everybody’s stats go down in the summer, don’t worry about it. And if people only come here for sexy stories, fuck ‘em. Who needs readers like that? 
As for your feeling on losing that “couple” status, I went through the exact same thing. It was very weird and unexpected.
I remember telling Dan that I missed being a “couple”; that it wasn’t my ex I missed, because I didn’t miss his company or him being around but the fact that now I was on my own. There was no one to go over the grocery list with or discuss what to make for dinner or watch on TV or let’s say my car broke down; no sig other to help with all that. All the couple-y stuff. That status was gone and I’d had that from 18 years old (and before, since we were living together before that) until 42 years old. Most of my life I’d had that.
Then suddenly I didn’t have that built-in safety net anymore and it took some adjusting to.
Anyway, the really really good news is, this feeling won’t last. You’ll get into a groove of being on your own and really begin to enjoy it! Going where you want to, doing what you want to; even if you did that before he left, it’s different now. You’re truly independent now and you’re going to love it.
July 5, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Thanks Einora!
I don’t know exactly what it is I miss, Amber. No, I don’t miss him… but I feel like I should be taking care of SOMEone, heh. My kids seem to need much less of that lately. My husband was never much help with broken down things. I dunno what it is. Stuff to ponder, I guess.
July 5, 2009 at 8:58 pm
You and i seem to be living parallel lives. I enjoy reading your blog, helps e know I’m not the only one dealing with it all. Keep your head up!
lynne
July 6, 2009 at 12:15 am
I have nothing wise to say. I’m sorry that you’re feeling sort of lost lately. Don’t throw all of the fault onto yourself. I’m sure that it is normal to feel this way after a separation, but don’t let the guilt drive you into a hole. You made the right decision for all of you, including the kids. If you settled for a relationship that you weren’t truly happy in, it wouldn’t have made things right. Even though it may not seem like it right now, you’re showing your children that it is important to be happy and content with your life and to not settle for anything less. I don’t mean for that to sound like I am insulting your ex at all. He’s in the same position when it comes to setting a good example for your children. Give yourself some credit
Anyway, I’m rambling. Even if your subject matter is less popular right now, I still really enjoy reading over here Your words are always genuine and not so cliche. It’s your life and that is exactly what this journal should record.
July 6, 2009 at 4:22 am
Heh I just had a private whine and rant. It’s the weather or freekin something. I like the fact you use this as a journal, not some fluffed up I’m a perfect slave my life is wonderful as many do. It’s real. I appreciate real. *hugs* Fuck the stats lol.
July 6, 2009 at 7:19 am
Yeah. Leave the fluffed up perfect slave stuff to me! 
The stats do seem to drop in the summer, AND, with the ever-popular rss feed readers taking over, stats are bound to fall. Fuggedaboutit!
Keep writing what you’re thinking/feeling at the moment. It’s a good way to weed out the best readers. Those looking for smut can find it elsewhere.
July 6, 2009 at 11:20 am
Stats-shmats.
The only ones that matter are how many times you look back at all of this and say, “I did the right thing”
I agree with the others. your frank, open writing is refreshing and endearing and it makes you seem real in a world of, well, not real things.
Still, a bit of smut might be good….
July 4, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Hi dk….
Stats going down? Subject matter not as tittilating? Sheesh, and I thought I was the only sex/bdsm blogger (albiet pretty much retired now) not living in a constant state of bdsm endorphin haze … smiles…
I’ve always admired your candidness and realism. What you are doing is writing about what is most present in your life and right now that is… oh, I guess the nitty gritty is what I’d call it.
I wish you the best of luck as you enter this new, exciting and sometimes difficult state of your life.
crys