I don’t think I ever want to be attached to someone again!  Or, at least, I fear the outcome.  Let’s just say I’ve lost faith in forever.  I’ve lost faith in the notion that a couple can stay together ’til death’.  It just seems highly unlikely, and like a foolish thing to believe in. 

People grow and change.  Sometimes that growth takes them in almost opposite directions, and that’s what I’m talking about.  What happens then?  Well, in our case, you part ways. 

Master and I were talking the other day and he noted that I seem to be ambivalent about the prospect of one day living with him.  And I am.  I don’t think it will work because I don’t think I am the marrying kind.  Or, I don’t think I could do the ‘couple’ thing again.  It’s just … I dunno.  It’s too hard.  And I’m afraid we wouldn’t get along.  I’m afraid he would grow weary of me.  Of fighting with me.  I’m that headstrong. 

Of course, Master does not share my fears and feels that that would not be a problem.  I dunno.  I suppose I’m just afraid to go that far in my slavery.  Being under his control 24/7…?  I doubt I could survive, much less thrive. 

I feel freer being separated.  It’s a nice, good feeling.  I don’t know if I want that to change. 

I don’t know what I want. 

I know Master owns me, and what I want has little bearing on all of this anyway, but it’s good to get it out.  And it’s been on my mind.

It’s funny.  When the hub was still living here, I felt more needy.  I wanted Master all the time.  But now, I’m doing okay.  I am coping much better with his absences.  I didn’t see that coming.  I thought it would be the exact opposite.  I thought I’d be lonely and needing him more.  But… the ‘ahhh’ factor here is huge.  Meaning, the relief of having gotten rid of a major source of stress in my life is … incredible.

Not only that, but I feel calmer, more centered, more… independent. 

I’m not sure if Master would agree that I am so independent, but I definitely feel that way.  More powerful.  Stronger. 

I feel like I can take a deep breath of fresh air and it feels wonderful!  Cleansing.  I got in my car this morning to drive somewhere and I was almost high from the feeling of freedom.  It was a beautiful, sunny, gorgeous Sunday morning and I was so happy to be on my own. 

Probably this is all normal.  I fret a bit since, I’m not really unattached. 

What worries me is that being made to focus on my slavery will burst my bubble and make me feel trapped and unhappy and decidedly un-free.  All bad things that I don’t want to feel! 

And I also realize this sounds silly because… I’m not those things.  I don’t know.  I’m not making any sense.  I just want to be able to express what I’m feeling and I’m doing it poorly just now.

*Thinks.*

I do tend to have higher emotional highs and lower lows than the usual person.  Perhaps this is just one of those unexpectedly high moments, soon to level off into normalcy. 

I suppose part of this relates to the fact that our time together is still pretty limited.  Master’s and mine.  I get to feeling my independence quite often when our time to connect drops off. 

I think this is also probably pretty normal.  I don’t live in a vacuum where power is concerned, and when I’m not feeling his power, I guess I slip into feeling my own.  And that’s not bad.  It just is.  It’s unavoidable.  And I’m not going to sit here and feel bad about it. 

That’s pretty much how I am, anyway.  If no stronger power presents itself in whatever situation I happen to be in, I will exert my own. 

The whole living together notion, while exciting on the surface, seems like a bad idea for some reason.  I’ve lost faith in the idea.  I haven’t lost faith in Master, however, so if it’s something he indeed wishes to pursue with me some time in the future, then it becomes out of my hands.  What results is largely up to him.  I’m not going to resist.  Even if I bristle at the idea up front, eventually, I will acquiesce.  I always do.  He compels my submission that way. 

It’s all a moot point really though, because something like that won’t be happening anytime soon.  For right now, I get to immerse myself in my singleness, and it’s really lovely.  Me and my kids are doing just fine. 

I suppose one huge item I’ve left out of this whole inner monologue so far is my gratitude for Master’s guidance in getting me to this place.  If not for him… I don’t know.

If not for him I’m almost certain I never would have been able to separate. 

I never would have saved up the money it took…

I would never had gotten state aid for my daughter…

I never would have had the courage to propose the separation…

I wouldn’t have had the faith I could afford to stay in the house…

I wouldn’t have my eldest graduated from high school, and driving, and working, and going to college (maybe I would, but not this quickly)

I would not have had the faith in myself in general that I was capable of surviving on my own.

And so, am I really on my own?

No. 

I just need to see Master. 

I miss him.

I feel adrift without him, and that leads to feeling all independent and autonomous when really, I’m so not.

Sorry for babbling on.  I think I feel better and I think I did get some stuff out at least. 

I will always have my fears of the future; fears of failing again.  And I really do fear being all alone one day.  I fear I will reap that as a result of… something I have done. 

Being lonely though, is not the same as living alone; living on your own. 

With Master, I will never be lonely. 

This is very spiral and convoluted, and turning and twisting so for pity’s sake I’m stopping now.