Whee, I had a bad morning.  Well, truthfully, it started last night.

I’m new to this separation thing, and the hubby said last week he missed my cooking and asked if he could come for dinner sometime for “one of your great meals”.  I was making beef stew yesterday, and I thought about him.  I figured, no need to be the ice princess here, and the kids would enjoy seeing their dad, so I bit the bullet and invited him for dinner.

And it was nice.  Sort of.  He and the kids were very happy, but I felt oddly detached, not wishing to give the impression that everything between us was ‘back to normal’.  It was just a nice gesture on my part.  Aside from that…

The young woman who used to live with us, and who I thought of as one of my closest friends, well… we had a huge falling out recently.  Ever since she moved out really.  She went from being like a sister/daughter to me to being a casual acquaintance.  We hardly spoke, seldom (I’m talking like four times in a year) got together, shared very little, and communicated even less.  It was heart breaking to me after she left.  I was distraught.  This is going on two years now.

Finally I told her I was just through.  I could not take the change in our relationship from sister-like closeness to barely connecting anymore.  I was done.  It hurt too much to have her, what, half-way in my life?  A third-way?  An eighth?  It was just too difficult.  I took her into our home, provided love, room, board and a car for barely anything and after she gets what she wants, she moves an hour away and practically forgets about me.  I was just too hurt.  (Did I mention we had sort of a power exchange relationship?  We did.  It was age play, and I was her Mum.)

So anyway, she calls my husband and asks him and the kids over for dinner.  Before realizing that she and I have not yet patched things up, he accepted.  He told me about it, assuming I was also invited, but when he found out it was just going to be them, he backed out of the date.  Now she has called and invited him again.  (Did I mention she got married to a chick a couple of months ago?  That’s why she moved out.  To be with this chick)

Last night felt like the whole thing just erupted again.  Like a pimple.  After the husband left, I was feeling, well, bad.  I wished for one that I hadn’t had him over.  It was very uncomfortable.  He says things that make me worry that he and the kids are going to gang up on me, the home wrecker.  “Everything was just fine before mom went psycho and kicked dad out!”

For another, when he told our son that she “really, really” wanted him to be able to come to dinner too, I just lost it.  I vented a lot of my angry feelings about her in front of my husband and kids.  I did not malign her, but spoke openly and expressed my feelings.  I am not proud of harboring this anger, but the hurt is so great and deep that I cannot bring myself to even dwell in that place where I have to think about her just yet.  I cannot.

This morning when I woke up, it was dark, rainy, cold, and yucky out.  I woke before the alarm, and five minutes or so before it was time to get up, I crawled out of bed to the floor to do my twenty-minute devotion.  Only I could not stop thinking about her.  She totally dominated my thoughts.  And the only one who should do that during devotion time is Master.  I was upset.  I started to cry.

So I did what any normal woman does under these circumstances.  I went back into bed, pulled the covers up, and tuned her out as best I could.  Only that is not what I am supposed to do in the morning.  I am allowed half an hour in bed online time, and then it’s time to hit the shower.  I couldn’t.  I wallowed.  I moped.  I languished because it was dark.  And cold.  And raining.  And I just knew she was going to make problems for me.  She was going to spill everything about me and Master.  I was paralyzed and numb from the inside out.  And deep down, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew too that I was being disobedient.

I texted Master and told him I was upset and still in bed.  His reply?  “Get out of bed immediately.  Shower & dress NOW.”  I knew he would say this, and what’s more, I needed him to say it.  I did as I was told, went into the shower, and cried.

After that, I texted Master again, who immediately came online and simply said, “Your cam.”  (It is another unstated rule that I am always to turn my camera on for him.)  He reminded me that his will comes before mine, and this morning I seemed to have forgotten that.  I was disciplined for this and made to do homework while he watched and worked.  (And no breakfast either)

He basically micro-managed me all morning.  Around eleven-thirty, I was allowed to eat brunch.  I had fruit and coffee.  Around noon, he went for lunch and sent me off to get out of the house, stretch and take a break.  It was forty-five degrees and raining, so I wasn’t too keen about going out, but figured heck, if I take an umbrella and dress warm enough, I could still manage a walk.

The walk was very empowering.  I had an epiphany. When I let the things that others do upset me that much, I am in a sense, giving my power over to them. I realized that I don’t have to let  my friend and my husband have that kind of control over me.  That is Master’s sole privilege.  I fully consent to that.  I do not consent to anyone else taking his place.

I am in the process of becoming.  Realizing my potential.  Under Master’s skillful ownership.

And I am so very grateful.

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