I’m still here

Published August 22, 2010 by owned_slave

Well, this is still my blog, damn it.  You all can read here.  I don’t pass-protect the damned thing.  You all can comment freely here.  I don’t moderate comments.  You all can have your opinions and share them here.  Or you can keep them to yourself.  Some of you do both at varying times.

I appreciate all of you who encouraged me to keep writing here.  Anon, your point is valid, but your bitterness bleeds through, like some old, festering wound that just won’t heal.  You see me and Master as symbols of your hurt.  We are bad people.  Mean, selfish, unloving, cheating, vain, sex-addicted, whatever, whatever, whatever. 

I liked Kittenesque’s comment best.  People reading here have different perspectives.  Some read here as wives and only see two adulterous, lying, deceitful individuals.  Some read here because they too are involved in the lifestyle.  Some read here as friends, to see what’s new in Dk’s life.  And some apparently read here to be judge and jury and hand out sentences and punishment.  Good thing I’m a masochist.  Bring it on.

I like blogging.  And no, it’s not to feed my ego.  I enjoy expressing myself in the medium.  I enjoy putting electronic pen to paper and seeing what comes out.  I enjoy expressing myself through my writing.  I enjoy the friends I’ve made along the way.  Writing helps me work through puzzling or difficult situations I face; in normal vanilla life, or on the kinky, not-so-vanilla side. 

I make it public because I do enjoy the comments.  I like knowing when someone feels the same way I do.  I also learn a lot from some of the comments.  I learned that I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.  I learned that some think I am about the worst scum on the face of the earth.  And yanno what?  (only one of those commenters so far, though) That’s okay too.  I don’t have to have everyone like me.  Truly I don’t.  Nor my Master.  They don’t have to trust him or like him either.  It’s no skin off your nose.  You don’t have to spend your future with him.  Like  my mother used to say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”  Just… some people never much liked listening to their mothers, I guess.

The sex stories are moments in time I want to remember.  Since I enjoy crafting stories, I keep a record here of some of the more memorable meetings Master and I have had.  Most of which, by the way, do not involve getting drunk, FFS.  I write to remember. 

On the whole “ZOMG, he’s a married man!!”….

When you have been married over twenty-seven years to a drug-addicted, chronically depressed, habitually negative, verbally-abusive alcoholic, come talk to me about fidelity.  And virtue. And faithfulness. And happiness. 

Master’s marriage is not discussed here.  Believe it or not, there are reasons 50% of all marriages end in divorce that have nothing whatever to do with the fact that a partner cheated.  Believe it or not, many marriages survive infidelity too.  The ones that don’t, weren’t meant to. 

I have never edited out the ugly things that I do from this blog.  I could have.  Many do.  I am as transparent here as Master requires me to be with him.  Transparent probably to a fault.  But that’s okay.  My blog. 

Bottom line, if you don’t like what you read here, don’t read here.  But don’t fill up my comments section with blog posts of your own.  These blog sites are free.  Go get your own goddamned blog and quit using mine as your personal soapbox to “church up” Dk.  It won’t work anyway.  Take that bitterness of yours and go choke on it. 

21 comments on “I’m still here

  • Sorry to disappoint you DK, but I’m not bitter, hurting or wounded. If you can’t understand that the idea of you cooking in her kitchen after a night of sex in her house would disgust 99.9% of the population then you’ve been living in bloggerland way too long. Rant and rave all you want. You are wrong. And you know it.

    Why doesn’t this guy leave his spouse as you did? If he loves you so much why, after nearly 4 years, hasn’t he taken the steps necessary to have an honest relationship with you? And seriously, why would you want someone like him anyway? It’s delusional to think that you will ever be his one and only. It’s been less than 2 months since he stopped “actively seeking” others on Collarme. And unless you check his profile you don’t know whether he is hiding the dates of his visits there.

    I suggest you read your own text over and see who sounds bitter. And I can’t say I blame you.

  • I left a comment on the last entry before seeing this one so I’m reposting here, sorry for the duplicate.

    So…………… Anon………
    Why?
    Others have asked and you consistently avoid answering.
    So I will say it real slow for ya hunny………
    Why do you read this blog?
    And we know you must check it very often as you managed to zip right in and be the first to comment when DK finally posted again.
    So, yeah, why?

    Oh and what part of “get your own goddamn blog” didn’t you understand? Poor dear, you do have issues.

  • Oh fuck DK – they’re out in numbers aren’t they? I got some vitriol and holy roller you’re damned to hell emails myself. (Oh my ‘saviour’ went straight to email to let me know I was a sinner. Thanks.)

    You said things much nicer than I did, but sometimes I think these persons just don’t get it and just want to stir the pot.

    hugs to you…

  • I’m glad to see you’re still here.
    Somehow I didn’t think you were one to just vanish, no matter what vitriol is out there.
    Good for you.

  • Doubleknot,
    Goodness there appears to have been some controversy with regards to your most recent of posts. I have encountered great controversy within my own journal; hate driven e-mails and comments where the sender(s) believes I am the cause for child abuse, spouse abuse; for wives and girlfriends being beaten and or murdered. I have been told it is because of the life I lead that I am the cause of female destruction, that my choice in being a slave has caused women everywhere to fail in strength and eventually turn into nothing more than a shell, a “Step Ford” wife of sorts.

    I have received e-mails of such extreme where the sender has informed me that if he/she ever met me he/she would kill me. I of course have taken those e-mails (any e-mail involving the threat of death) to the police and investigations have taken place.

    I have received a plethora of e-mails regarding mine and Master’s pet and how we are paedophiles because we have engaged in a sexual relationship with a woman who is 18 years young. Granted 18 is very young and I had my own and still do to a degree concerns with interacting with someone of her age; the reality is she is of legal consent and in no way are our actions that of a paedophile. Still, people respond, reminding me daily just how awful I am and how my actions are the reason for the lack of morals and ethics in the world today.

    Exposing yourself to the world most often will bring conflict and judgement. I do not agree with the judgement; however, I am very aware of human behaviour and the desire to “help” other people by judging them, by pointing fingers, by showing “us where we went wrong”.

    There are times when I have read your journal and I have disagreed, actually I have grossly disagreed and have even been disappointed in a behaviour. Not disappointed in you because I think it is not possible to be disappointed in a person I do not know but a behaviour yes. There are many aspects of your life I do not agree with and that I personally feel are inappropriate. There are also times when I agree with you, when I have empathy for you and when I simply get a view into a different world, a different experience and whether I agree with you or not I appreciate the exposure to a different way of thought.

    I am certain many people do not agree with my lifestyle and my choices. I am not certain if you ever read my journal; however, if you ever did I would believe there were times when you did not agree or like what was happening in my world. Not agreeing, not appreciating is not the same as as leaving comments that are filled with negativity. Negativity breeds negativity and I think the world has enough of that. I can share my opinion with you, with anyone really without belittling, without being intentionally cruel. I can be honest and that honesty might hurt but the intent is different, very different.

    Doubleknot I do not know everything that happens in your world. I am not walking in your shoes. I do not experience your day to day. I only am privy to what you show through your words and although I do not agree to rationalizing and or explaining an extra marital relationship it is not my relationship, it is yours. I do not believe there is ever a good reason to betray a spouse. I do not believe it is ever okay to disrespect a marriage. Those are _my_ opinions though and I do not think you are less of a person for your actions I merely do not agree with them.

    I hope that wherever this journey leads you, you are happy. Happy with yourself. Happy with your life. And I hope that remember this journal is yours and you have the right to share whatever you want; this is your place.

    Thank you for sharing as much as you do.

    ~a

  • maybe i’m more sympathetic as i’ve faced these sorts of …rebukes? occasionally in the 32 years i’ve been living as a lesbian.

    And bringing children into our home.

    And marrying my lesbian partner.

    such a nasty, unnatural thing, against gods wishes, yada yada yada…

    it’s my life.

    And finding the D/s component has only enhanced my badness.

    and i’m okay with it.

    nilla

  • Anon needs to take 5 mins and get over herself.

    DK dear, being in similar situation, I can relate. Sure our situations aren’t ideal but we make the best of what we have.

    To hell with the nay-sayers etc. They are just jealous.

  • DK, I haven’t read any further comments on your blog and probably won’t. I have made my point and wanted to let you know the I officially concede the battle, and even the war.

    I sincerely hope that this situation ultimately works out for the best for everyone involved, including you.

  • Regular readers here know that I do not often comment upon dk’s blog, nor upon the comments of others. However, things have been at a full rolling boil for several days, primarily in regard to the comments from anonymous, and various reactions to those comments. So I have decided to post a few thoughts.

    To every reader: I assure you that dk and I each are in full possession of our faculties, and that includes a deep awareness that marital infidelity is no small thing. I do not hold either of us beyond reproach. I understand that our actions stand in opposition to social norms, and I understand that some will judge us harshly for that. That is part of the richness of a public blog; a little bit of everything comes to you — sometimes to validate and reinforce, sometimes to repudiate and condemn.

    Ultimately, though, only dk and I see the entire landscape. Yes, she is generous with her written word, but even that is but a glimpse into the entire picture. If everyone here were to see the entire picture, right down to anonymous, I don’t think everyone would take a deep sigh and say, “Ahhh, I see! Carry on… it all makes perfect, justifiable sense now.” In fact, I do not think our actions are beyond reproach. I am not here to proclaim her innocence or mine.

    But I do know our actions exist in a context that only she and I can fully perceive. Only we know what we do know, and no one else knows what they don’t know. This does not excuse or justify anything, but it does explain it – to us. We understand the tradeoffs we have undertaken. We know why we have made them, and why we accept them.

    In that regard, we are no different than anyone else. Many people, perhaps most people, perhaps everyone, strives to conceal the various inconsistencies, contradictions, shortcomings and outright betrayals that constitute life. dk generously allows her readers to see hers; others don’t; to each his or her own.

    And now, to anonymous: You have made your views clearly and forcefully known. dk has shown great fortitude in allowing them to remain, despite their very hurtful nature. That is her way, and I respect her for that. I believe you have said everything on this topic there is to be said. Your views are not unwelcome, and are not even reflexively rejected. But enough latitude has been granted. You have had your say. Please continue reading if you like, and continue posting comments if you like. But on this particular subject, move along.

  • I did not detect bitterness at all in anonymous’s comments. You know this blogging is a two way street .You chose to use this very public forum to discuss your private life. Why allow comments if you only want your own views reinforced? You’re not alone in this I notice most BDSM blogs don’t tolerate any dissent. I was also dismayed by the column in question and hope that you at least changed the sheets. I can’t help wonder how you would feel if something like that happened in your home.

  • JEBUS!

    Dk! What a bunch of hurtful crap that’s been said here! :(

    Okay, first off, to those of you who do not blog; I used to blog extensively about my personal life and my husband, etc., and our sex life and how much pleasure we have in each other and yes, it reinforced the pleasure to blog about it and yes, making online friends was a huge perk but that DIDN’T mean it was a “public forum” or an open invitation for anyone to take potshots at me.

    It was a public DIARY. I blogged in order to find like-minded women. I blogged in order to reach out to the universe. I BLOGGED BECAUSE I WANTED TO FIND OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ME! Of course bloggers like to make friends and get supportive and friendly comments! Of course we do and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s part of the joy and fun of having a blog.

    I can assure you I did NOT blog looking for hurtful judgmental CRAP like I have read here and no blogger does. Trying to be insightful or helpful in some way is one thing but attacking is quite another.

    And if you cannot understand that, too fucking bad. Stick it.

    As for the anonymous commenter that has caused all the ruckus, who the hell are you to insert your own scenario on these people? With your oh-so-wonderful 20 year relationship and your smug superior attitude? How the hell do you know what’s really going on with anyone involved?

    You DON’T know.

    Things are rarely as black and white as you are making it here. You remind me of some of the people around me when I divorced my ex, over 12 years ago now. “You’re hurting your kids,” they said. “How can you do this?” they said. When I finally confessed to my sis-in-law that her brother used to abuse me verbally and shove me around, she said I was lying.

    “Oh that’s not true!” she said. Then she laughed and shook her head at me.

    Why? BECAUSE I NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT! I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABOUT IT! I was too ASHAMED TO! I hid it from the kids, from friends, from family, from EVERYBODY!

    So if you’ve had a wonderful warm happy marriage for 20 years, well whoopy-damn-do for you, then you have NO idea what it’s like to live with a miserable, cranky, cold abusive alkie. You have NO IDEA what a miracle it is to meet someone else who can love you, how it’s something you didn’t think even existed.

    And you don’t know what’s going on with her Dom either. You don’t know what kind of relationship he has with his wife. You don’t know if she’s told him to go out and get what he needs because she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, like my ex told me towards the end. Maybe she is warm and loving and sitting at home pining away for her husband but you DON’T KNOW THAT!

    I’ve remarried now and to the great love of my life. We’re very fortunate to have found one another and we know it. Not everyone is as fortunate as we are, though, and we realize this and count our blessings. But at one point I had decided to just cheat on my last marriage rather than leave my now-ex and hurt our kids and disrupt the rest of the family. Get the love I craved and just hide my affair. It seemed so much easier.

    I chose not to do that, I chose to leave and break up the family and it was fucking PAINFUL as fuck! There were times when I thought I should have just stayed and not hurt everyone so much and gotten the affection I needed on the side.

    So I would never fault someone else for their choice in this matter.

    Not unless I knew everything about everyone involved and could see into their heart and brain and soul. And probably not even then.

    You are not God, anon, you are not morally superior to DK or her Dom or to anyone else and when you one day fall off your high horse of morality, because everyone who takes that ride eventually does fall off, karma will have a good hard laugh about you. And so will I.

    Oh and DK, try not to buy into that whole “don’t delete comments” blog thing too heavily. Sometimes it’s necessary to delete, I did it a few times and I’m not sorry I did. It’s not fun to go to your blog and read hurtful crap, you have the right to do whatever you want with your blog comments. :)

    (And yes, I lurk these days, sorry, just not in the loop anymore since I took down my blog but I do try to keep up with you and Chloe and Kaya when I can) :)

  • Sorry to see these small-minded people don’t understand you are two adults in a consensual relationship and are meeting each other’s needs. Why do they bother to read you if they don’t like your lifestyle.

    I just hope you don’t let the negative comments get you down and I hope you continue to share your lifestyle with us. You are an open, honest blogger and your readers appreciate that.Continue to do what is best for you.

    FD

  • I don’t read your blog often, so I don’t know exactly your situation and have always been interested.

    I know what its like to be in a relationship with a married man. I know how it feels and how people react when you tell them.

    They think you’re a silly little fool. They feel bad for you.

    In the end, married man and I didn’t work out for other reasons.

    And less than a year later he still ended up divorced. Because the way he felt for her, the way he felt for me and the way he wanted his life to be was true to what he had always said.

  • Oh Dk….I am at a loss for words here. I know how it feels to be judged the way you and your Master have and honestly it makes no sense to me. Things like “judge not lest ye be judged” and ” people in glass houses should not throw stones” pop in to my head and it just amazes me how quickly people like to project their own angst on to others because it makes them feel better about their own sorry, worthless lives. I do not understand where people get off projecting their own values on to other people. Perhaps I belong to a religion that tolerates adultery, who are they to tell me my beliefs are wrong? Perhaps I belong to no religion at all in which case, the whole being married and shagging someone else is a non issue. Does this make me less of a person? Does this mean I do not love my children? Hmmmm, I think not.

    Please continue to voice your opinion on YOUR blog. It is comforting to me to be able to read about someone whose life seems to parallel my own. You have guts and courage to write about the things you do and have a lot more courage than these people who leave nasty comments. Why don’t they have their own blog? Because they are afraid to be judged by others! Your honesty and vulnerability is refreshing, because it is real. To hell with the ones who are too narrow minded to understand that life has much more to offer than the 10 commandments.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to prattle on, but oh it does upset me when people put themselves in some ivory tower and judge others.

    Please keep doing what it is you do best…be yourself!

  • Honey,
    You’re real, you’re honest. I admire your courage and inner strength. Ignore them. It isn’t anyone else’s place, or right, to judge you and your relationship. They need to worry about the 2X4’s in their own eyes, and leave the little piece of sawdust in yours alone. Delete their asses! No one will fault you for it.

  • I know I don’t know any part of this situation other than what is said on this blog, and I am not in any way judging what is done or not done within the relationship.

    However, this type of reaction from both the blogger, the Dom, and other readers towards someone who chooses to voice objections is the reason I rarely comment on blogs anymore, and never with my “real” information.

    It isn’t judgement to voice a dissenting opinion, contrary to popular belief (in these comments at least). It also is not judgement to voice the opinion that sleeping in the bed of the wife of your lover is wrong. I would love to hear the answer to the question that anon asked – how would any of you feel if you discovered that your husband brought his lover into your home, slept and had sex in your bed, had her eat the food in your kitchen, use your utensils to prepare meals for your husband… I, for one, would feel incredibly betrayed.

    Affairs happen. It’s a fact of life. I’ve been involved with a married man, as his submissive. He brought me into his home, but I could not sleep, nor could I eat, and I stayed in a motel after the first night of my visit. It was still an affair, a betrayal, but I was not violating her home. Her place in her world. That is not simply his home, it is hers as well. She may be the worst person on the face of the earth, but it is her home, and invading that space with your own….sexuality, relationship….yes, it made yours seem more important, but it totally betrayed her.

    And I find it incredibly hard to believe that nobody else can see this, or can understand it.

    I won’t be reading this blog again, and obviously not commenting again, which will make many of you happy since there will be one less “dissenting” voice here. It is on this blog as it is on every D/s blog I read. If anyone voices an opinion that differs from what the poster wants to hear, then said person is mocked, jeered, called names, told to go elsewhere, to not post any more… at the very least.

    Enjoy the tolerance of the D/s lifestyle.

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