i wonder, how does an Owner deal with their slave’s negative, undesirable feelings? For instance, since the topic which arose earlier involved jealousy and esteem issues, how does an Owner address those? Eradicate those? Or is that even his job? Is it up to the slave to turn those feelings around to pleasing ones?

i think it is both parties’ responsibility.

When the Owner is doing/has done his job well and he is being responsible in seeing to His slave’s well-being, then the slave must try to focus on that and rest in the security of knowing she is the one he has chosen to invest himself in owning. That he might wish to involve a third party doesn’t mean the third party will take the place of his chosen property, for his involvement with that third party is but a scant fraction of his total investment into his chosen property, and said property would do well to remember, and focus on this.

Said property is spending a lot of time this week doing so.

“…for the next ten days, each day you will post a blog entry on one of these rules. Your entry will address your understanding of why I have this rule for you, your history of adherence or not to this rule, and your own assessment of its value.”

1. You will complete a devotion to me daily. The devotion will last 20 minutes. It will be completed on your knees, with your fingers interlaced behind your head; you will be blindfolded. You will set an audible alarm and you will not look out from the blindfold before the alarm rings. If you physically are unable to complete that form of devotion, you will come as close as possible and report the shortfall to me. The purpose of this time is to reflect clearly and deeply on the value of my ownership.
   

This was one of the original rules, one which i have been following since the very beginning. In the beginning, i struggled a lot with the position:

Friday, Feb. 16, 2007

my Owner,

de·vo·tion (dÄ­-vō’shÉ™n) Pronunciation Key
n. Ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle.

That pose, hands clasped behind the head, hurts. It hurts a lot. Maybe it has to do with my almost 46 year old body. But it is really torturous. Again, i bawled like a baby through most of it today. Tears started due to the pain across my neck and shoulders. It doesn’t stop the whole twenty minutes, unless i put my arms down for a sec, which i did a few times, nor did the tears.

i tried to concentrate on you and my slavery. That only made me cry more. Feelings like maybe i made a mistake; i cannot do this. i don’t want to do this, kept going through my head. At one point, i was even angry with you because you weren’t there to see my suffering so i figured what was the point of doing it?
What other torturous plans do you have in store for the likes of this one? Not exactly a great submissive attitude.

Now that i’m recovering and the muscles are loosening once again i am feeling a little better. i am genuinely sorry for the bad thoughts. And today, i feel weak; not strong, and maybe even a little bit pathetic. And lucky you, you own all of it. Today, all i can think is, good luck; you’re going to need it. Maybe there’s a 30-day money back guarantee on me if you’re not 100% totally satisfied. There’s still time to return me for a full refund. Is that what i want? No.

Even with all the emotions, tears, conflicting feelings, i still want to be your slave. I just don’t want it 100% of the time. lol. Sometimes, like when i’m kneeling and my back is hurting and my knees, and tears and snot are running down my face and i can’t even blow my nose because i have ten minutes to go, then yes, i wish i wasn’t in that place just then. But it is worth it to be your slave. I like you. I believe in you. I think you will take me to places (figuratively speaking) i’ve never been nor even thought of before. And that’s like an adventure. And i love the idea of an adventure; even if some parts of it are tough.

I’m sorry for my human weaknesses and negativity. I really have no one else to tell these things to but you. So maybe that’s the reason i seem so open. This is like journaling for me, and since i’ve not been given permission to really keep a journal, seems this stuff keeps coming out in my emails to you. I suppose i should ask permission to spill my guts to you in emails, but you have indicated it is good and helps you to know me better. Just the negative feelings are embarrassing to share. I surely don’t want the boss knowing i am mad at him from time to time. Or that i nearly blew off the entire devotion altogether today.. i’m glad i didn’t. i don’t know how i would have broached that subject with you. “oh, by the way Sir, i didn’t kneel at all yesterday” That is not something i would look forward to admitting.

And so, the beginning was obviously a struggle. Not long after this, i injured my shoulder and the position was adjusted for healing time.

And then there was a discussion again, about how i seemed to be a clock watcher. I was thinking of the pain and discomfort of the position still, and the minutes remaining, and somehow my focus completely left You. Enter the blindfold. That certainly kept my mind off the time, but didn’t seem to help with my focus a great deal. I was still feeling the pain of the numbness and aching in my arms, hands, and shoulders, only i had no idea how long it would continue. I seemed to suffer longer. I tried focusing on your Ownership, but oftentimes i was more focused on myself and my suffering i am sad to say. At some point we talked about this and you indicated that i could alternate positions when this began to happen, going to the face-down-ass-up position from time to time. And that is what i do today.

I start out in position on my knees, and when my focus shifts from the benefits of your ownership to my pain/suffering from the position, i go face down to the floor and resume my focus on you. After a break in this position i return to the kneeling pose and so on until the alarm rings. This way seems to work best for maintaining my focus. And some days even the face-down-ass-up position seems uncomfortable. Chalk it up to age perhaps, and stiffness. I don’t know. I know it depends on how tired i am how well my devotion time goes. When i am tired, say, after working all night, my focus is difficult; my body is uncooperative, and devotion time suffers.

I have kept this rule every day since its inception almost without exception. The one time i missed for no good reason, i was punished and would not ever wish that upon myself or anyone again. The other few times that were missed were due to circumstances totally beyond my control: like a busy holiday with not a moment of privacy. And those were few and far between.

My understanding of this rule is pretty straight-forward. It is simply to help me remember my bottom line: i belong to You number one, and with very good reason, number two. The reasons comprise my thoughts during devotion time. I started a list on the sidebar to help remind me. Focusing on the value of your Ownership has helped me immensely and is one of the core reasons i believe that i have been able to remain so committed and obedient to You. Doing exta minutes of devotion time has served to remind me my place as Yours and helped calm me during stressful times. I have found myself kneeling at times in the bathroom at work to calm myself during a particularily stressful shift. You have had me do extra kneeling time when i have been overwhelmed by irritable, out of control moods at home. Almost always, without fail, this time has served U/us well, keeping me the way you want me: utterly connected to you.

It’s a stellar rule, Master.

Some days, it is so, so hard to keep it all together.

I know what Master wants. I know what qualities he treasures in me. I know he appreciates my level of maturity. I usually do keep it together.

I have been keeping things together in my own household for many, many years. I have been the pillar. The rock. My husband calls me that. He says “you’re my rock”. Want to know a secret though? I really dislike being that rock sometimes. It’s a huge burden and a huge responsibility, and one i didn’t particularly ask for. I would do rather well as a right-hand man sort of gal. That’s a role i was meant to play. Not this rock thing. Sure, i can play the rock alright for awhile, until eventually, along comes one of those days when, as Master says, the bolts start to loosen and the wheels are coming off. (He said something like that anyway.) The rock begins to crumble.

Or does it?

I do feel things pretty intensely. I feel the good feelings probably more than most, and subsequently, i tend to feel the low feelings probably a bit lower than most. Not alllll the time, but many times. And i tend to dwell on negatives when i feel swallowed up in them. I find it difficult to see through to the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

This has been such a day.

I can easily contribute it to exhaustion coupled with hormones. Rotten luck we women have regarding those nasty little chemicals. But there it is. And it must be dealt with. And I really don’t relish bothering Master about it when it strikes. Yet i am torn. I am to lay everything at His feet. But i also can handle a good portion of my own stress in my own way.

Of course there is always chocolate. A delightful substance containing its own chemicals. Chocolate is good. And there is music. And there is focus. And we basically choose wherein to place our focus. Even if we don’t realize it, it is a choice. I am still learning this. But it is a wonderful realization. And it seems to have come from knowing my Master. Whether he is totally aware of this or not, i can’t say, but He has taught me more focus.

I can be an extremely focused person. Ask anyone who knows me. You can tell me something, and i can be looking right at you, but if you haven’t got my focus, i won’t hear a word you’re telling me. My mind could be a million miles off, and usually is. My mind is quite active and never stops. So if you haven’t grabbed my attention don’t expect me to hear you. I consciously choose where to direct my focus. So i do absorb a lot of information because i do invest all of my focus on the thought/task/conversation at hand. Once you have me, i am right there and i stay right there. I’m certain Master will attest to that. For He easily garners my intent focus the minute he walks into the room, and almost as quickly online. It really is amazing how He can do that with me.

The wonderful gift that Master has given me, and taught me to use for His purposes as well as my own benefit is the devotional time i do for Him every single day. I do twenty minutes of prescribed kneeling devotion time each day for Master. And on those occasions when i am getting off kilter i guess you could say, Master adds minutes here and there to help me refocus on Him and basically on what is important. I value those occasions immensely for the great help those additional minutes have given me. And so while it is time for Him, i see how important the time is for me as well. Everything inside of me settles and centers. It’s wonderful.

I’ve not practiced meditation before, but i imagine it’s quite similar to this devotion time i spend for Master each day. Now today, well, today was just not a good day. My day was going along, and i realized i had not given Master His time. So i settled on my knees, hands behind my head, blindfold keeping my mind from any distractions, and i focused. I focused on being His and what that means. And i realized that that is all i need. I don’t need to worry about being this big pillar of strength here at my house. I don’t need to worry about anything at all really, for i have a capable, loving, strong Owner who is in control. That alone settled me right down. It was nearly the end of the twenty minutes when it hit me, so i stayed there on my knees a bit longer to absorb it. I feel so much better now.

Master has promised to call so we could discuss some of what was bothering me, but now i feel soo soo much better that when He does call, it won’t be me falling apart on the telephone. It will be a much more calm woman with the single-minded purpose of being His Owned property bathing her psyche today. A much happier call to be on the other end of to be sure.